what i really want

a synthetic life, bumping into

walls on your 

cell

phone. and people,

you

don't even 

see.



eating big box at red 

lobster or fri-

day's o'charley's pan-

era or

chili's texas road-

house ruby

tuesday's.


good-bye, ruby

tuesday.



shopping big box

this Christm, i mean....

holiday.



designers. custom.

high end.

surprise me, why don't you,

with a 

pie.



from your

kitch-

en.








  

ending Christmas

when Christmas ends there are pieces to

pick up.


the tissue paper, the box.

the lone card someone didn't open because

there were so many

and oh, here it is!

how did we


forget.


the people leave.

they pack up what they got,

making sure that what they got isn't mixed up

with what someone else

got.

they make sure they didn't throw something out

with the

trash.

do we have the checks....yes.

do we have all the little pieces that go with

the

toys?



they leave, waving and thanking.

they say you shouldn't have but they knew

you would.

and you are glad

you

did.



then,

you close the door. maybe you go to the kitchen

to do

the

dishes.

maybe you sit down and

cry.



not because it was bad but because

it was

good.

not because it is ending but because

this.

is.

Christmas.




and it is just



beginning.

everyone, not no one, saying merry Christmas

i have been saying it all month. and people have all month been saying it to me. so far, if anyone is offended, no one has been punched in the face. maybe i live in heaven (that'd be cool.)


the folks i know and run into, which pretty much run the gamut from young, old, hipster, world war 2 era, ex-hippie, male, female, black, white, yellow and upside down have all said merry Christmas to me. and i have said it to them.

i said it this morning to the hispanic woman at the mcdonald's drive-thru who took my money which, ok, as a hispanic it was a fairly safe bet she she was a Christian but sidebar here, why do they charge me five dollars for a scrambled egg and one piece of bacon? because, seriously, that seems excessive. to me. i don't know what it costs if you get the big breakfast with eggs and bacon and hash browns and the ten other things that come with it but i don't think it's more than five dollars. i don't think anything at mcdonald's is more than five dollars. maybe something is. i don't pay that much attention. but, anyway, merry Christmas, lady.

i said it to the asian woman at kroger who asked me if i knew the difference between a regular artichoke and a jerusalem artichoke. i said it before she said jerusalem which, ok, for a second there, i thought i might have offended her but she just looked at me like, come on, i don't have all day - do you know the difference or don't you? (of course i do.)

and when i told her, she smiled. and said, merry Christmas to you, too.

i also said it to the guy behind me in line at trader joe's. the guy behind me in line at trader joe's - no matter who it happens to be and no matter which shopping trip it happens to be - always looks the same. he looks cool and hip and young and his beard is always that sexy kind of scruffy and he looks like, frankly, someone who might be offended if you told him merry Christmas. and maybe i just got lucky (not that kind of lucky) today. but he smiled and said, you, too.

i have said it to so many people this year that i can't count. and no one has been offended. in spite of the fact that everything i read tells me that people are offended. all the time. if you say merry Christmas to them. so you shouldn't. say merry Christmas. but i did. and they weren't.


and you shouldn't be, either.

Christmas all wrong

if a serious Christian does Christmas all wrong, what hope is there? well, plenty. which is what the first Christmas, which was done right, is trying to tell us.


somewhere along the way, we got seriously screwed up about Christmas. we haven't gotten seriously screwed up about any. other. birthday. when you're invited to someone's birthday party, does the person having the birthday give you a gift? or do you give him one?

we don't say, well, it's joe's birthday, but rather than send him a card or or buy him a new tie, i'ma buy my brother one instead. better yet, since they're buy one get one free, i'll get one for my brother and one for myself, too. joe? what joe?


the first Christmas told us what joe. we just didn't like it.


what we liked was the gold, frankincense, and myrrh part. gold, frankincense, and myrrh on crack. that's what we like.


i was standing in line to check out at macy's yesterday and at the cash register were a bunch of little, last minute kinds of things to tempt buyers to drop a few more bucks. you know what i mean - every store has them. the department i happened to be in had socks, lip gloss, tiny ornaments, and even gift-wrapped bottled water. bottled water?

i said to the cashier, sheesh, this is ridiculous. she said, "what is?" i said, gift-wrapped bottled water. who needs that? "no one needs that," she said, "but it's Christmas. gotta be merry." gotta make more money for mr. macy, i think you mean. "true," she said, "but these things make people happy. you'd be surprised how much of it we sell. people want to be happy. it's what Christmas is all about."


it is not what Christmas is all about. it is an entirely, couldn't-be-more-wrong thing about what Christmas is all about. Christmas isn't about you or me or anybody else being happy. in many ways, it's the exact opposite of that. it's about how, in spite of not being happy, in spite of actually suffering, your life can be delirious with joy - if you follow Christ.
 

designer water for Christmas? mary drank from a well. and not a very clean one at that.


i'm not saying we need to drink dirty water to honor Christmas. i'm not saying we have to ditch our cars for donkeys and crowded malls for a peasant selling (good) bread. not saying we can't have a tree.



but maybe i am. a tree? egg nog? a new car in the driveway? with a big red bow?



your new car is in the driveway.



and He's waiting to take you away.

of COURSE Christmas doesn't make sense!

first of all, nobody ever knew what a round yon virgin was. hell, we barely knew what a virgin was.

"cloven skies" weren't any clearer.

what did a blooming rose have to do with anything? and who was jesse?



on the secular side, none of us had ever ridden in a one-horse open sleigh. much less knew how much fun it was.

very few chestnuts, roasted or otherwise, were ever in sight.

and we never quite understood how a snowman could be parse and brown.



we don't have to understand it. we're not even supposed to understand it. if we understood it, that would be science (well, it would be science for those of you who understand science).

the point is, understanding it, while nice and certainly self-satisfying, isn't the point. that's the point.



step out of your own damned head. 



now you're gettin' it.

december 26th

see, Christmas isn't over......Christmas is just starting.

yesterday was the first day of Christmas. today, follow along now, is the second. thaaaaaat's right......tomorrow will be the third.


we do Christmas backwards. we say it starts the day after thanksgiving (if not sooner) and for many, it ends today (check the curb if you don't believe me). holy cow, people, give the wise men a chance to get there, will ya?

technically, the tree shouldn't have gone up until, well, until today. yesterday afternoon or evening at the earliest. and it should stay up at least until epiphany. don't know what epiphany is? look it up.

the baking commences now. the parties commence now. "black friday" is now.

instead of walking into the grocery store and finding the seasonal aisle being stripped of all things Christmas - to make way for all things valentine - the Christmas stuff should just be arriving. because, um......Jesus just arrived.


today, if i can find 'em (and i won't be able to), ima get me a coupla turtle doves (not sure what i'll do with 'em once i get 'em..... but ima try to get 'em). and tomorrow, dinner will be three french hens. or, more likely, one american chicken.


i'll confess.......the eight maids a-milking part kinda has me freaked out.


:)

scenes from a Christmas morning

he did????? santa came????? ohmyGOSH!!!!!

now, don, that's not how it happened. yes, it IS, donna! this is my story......and i know how it happened!

oh, it doesn't even matter if i already have one....this one is so much better than the one i already have!

oh, sure, what the heck.....it's Christmas!

(said under one's breath): what was i thinking when i bought all this stuff?????

it's not much - just something i threw together.

well, it looks great. just great.

well......it's not much.

the trash guys sure are gonna have their work cut out for 'em.

does this thing need batteries? crap!

ohmygosh, this is the coolest thing ever!

are you sure? cuz if you don't like it, that's ok. it's no problem if you don't like it. i have the receipt....you can take it back.

take it back???? are you crazy???? i love it!

well, only if you're sure. but if you decide you'd rather have something else, i totally understand. no worries.

oh, i won't decide i want something else! i want this! i love this! this is soooooo awesome!

isn't there anything else for me? where's mine?

you've already gotten plenty, sweetie! look how much you have! why don't you play with some of your new stuff?

wow, this is crazy. i'm sure glad i don't live here and have to clean up all this stuff!

you always get just the right thing, you know that? just the right thing.  :)

oh, i was hoping i'd get this!!!! i didn't think you'd get it!!!! thank you!!!! thank you!!!!! i love it!!!!

(under your breath to yourself): read the whole card before you look at how much the check is.


this has been a wonderful Christmas! thank you so much, everyone!


(under your breath to yourself): 

next year, we're gonna cut back.


:)

who voted for all this damned snow?!!

of all the things i don't understand, what i don't understand the most is how you cannot like snow on Christmas. i understand obamacare better than i understand not liking snow on Christmas. hell, i understand obama better!

i know you probably don't want me to, but i feel sorry for all you folks down south. and for those of you who are actually on beaches at Christmas, well, i literally grieve for you. i grieve! i grieve so bad that i can't go outside lest my bleeding heart messes up my snow!

i also don't get why you hate fruitcake so much, but that's easier to comprehend than not liking snow at Christmas. not liking snow at Christmas is, research shows, thee most incomprehensible thing on earth.

not liking to wrap gifts? ok. i get that. i don't agree with it - but i get it. 

having ham for Christmas instead of turkey - even though the song specifically says that everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright? i don't get it, but i get it better than not wanting it to snow.


personally, i think you gotta be more than just a little certified in the head not to want it to snow on Christmas.


tell the truth.......you voted for obama, too, didn't ya.


:)

that's what Christmas is all about, charlie brown.

i have written before about those of you who celebrate the secular side of Christmas only. news flash: there is no secular side.


it's hard to point that out without insulting you. and i don't want to insult you. but i do want you to take a minute and look at the word "Christmas" and tell me why it isn't called "secularmas" instead.


i don't celebrate hannukah. because i am not jewish. i don't celebrate ramadan. because i am not muslim. i celebrate Christmas because i am Christian. see how that works?


i don't want to insult you but neither do i want you to insult me.


see how that works?

the smell of Christmas?

macy's and other retailers have long sold a line of potpourri, sprays, and candles called "the smell of Christmas." if you've never experienced "the smell of Christmas," you've missed out on a fabulous thing.

if you've never experienced the smell of the first Christmas, you're missing out on even more.

the first Christmas did not smell like cinnamon. it smelled like dung. 

the first Christmas did not smell like cinnamon because the first Christmas did not take place in a kitchen with a double oven, an island, stainless steel appliances, and a tile backsplash imported from italy.

the first Christmas took place in a bathroom. an outdoor bathroom for beasts. the worst kind of bathroom, quite frankly. there may have been a star overhead, but there were no cute hand towels hanging on the towel bar with cute little embroidered stars on 'em.

if there was a midwife, we don't know about her. so......picture that. a bathroom for beasts and a mother giving birth in the dirt. somebody cut the cord. picture that. 

no. the first Christmas surely didn't smell like "the smell of Christmas." and yet........it could have. why didn't it?

why didn't God choose to be born in a palace? or, at least, in a hospital? 

if what passed as a "hospital" over 2,000 years ago was still too fancy for God, then why not the inn? why wasn't there any room there? there could have been. God could have willed it so. why didn't He?

i think that of all the modern aspects that we have managed to pile on over the years onto the celebration of Christmas and of all the deviations in our brains from what really happened, how it must have smelled is the one thing above all that we are divorced from. we trick ourselves into thinking that the stable had clean, warm hay and that the animals had politely done their business somewhere out in the field. and that none of them were kicking up too much dirt or making too much noise. they were just standing there with big, brown eyes, looking on, in adoration.

we completely ignore the reality of what that scene must have really looked like, felt like, and smelled like. we put out little nativity scenes on our bookshelves and run straight for the egg nog.

but i think it's probably important to stop and think about how gross the whole thing must have been. and to think about how it didn't have to be that way. but it was. 

and to think that only a few people in the whole history of the world (myself definitely not one of them but mother teresa and pope francis for sure)seem really to have grasped what the message of all that indignity is.....

that we are to stoop down. we are to lower ourselves, just as Christ lowered Himself. that writing a check to charity isn't enough. writing a check to charity is like giving birth in the hospital, not in the poop.

that we are to get rid of our stuff and give it to someone who doesn't have any hay. clean or otherwise. 

that if God did it, he wants us to do it. how. much. clearer. could. He. have. been? 

as much as i love "the smell of Christmas," i need the smell of Christmas more.

so do you.

personally, i don't think there's such a thing as an ugly Christmas sweater.

there's nothing about Christmas that i don't like. even the things about it that i don't like, i like!

1. commercialism - it's only commercial if you make it commercial. nobody can make you make Christmas commercial. didn't your mother ever tell you that just because everybody else is jumping off a bridge doesn't mean you have to jump off a bridge, too?

2. bad Christmas music - i haven't heard this song in a long time and granted, the message was kinda pathetic, but even john denver's "please, daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas" had a great beat. you could dance to it! (provided you weren't drunk.)

3. the crowds - i actually relish the crowds! it means people are still out there - alive! - and, in most cases, focused on somebody else. what i love to do is, i love to go to the busiest mall in town on Christmas Eve afternoon and just sit there, smug as all get out because i have had my shopping done - and wrapped - since like forever, and just watch the people scramble around to get everything crossed off their list and finally make it home before dark. i just sorta sit there, sipping my hot chocolate in bliss and think, you silly people you, what part of "Christmas comes this time every year" eludes you?

4. tacky decorations - i like to think that i have pretty good taste and so this one - this one - really puts me to the test, but even i have learned to appreciate the, if not beauty, then at least the, well, the effort it took you to throw this low-class thing you call a centerpiece together.

(that reminds me of a true story that happened to my friend, linda, one year. at the company Christmas party - at the non-profit, social service agency Christmas party - she won an ugly wreath in the raffle. linda said the thing was so sorry that on the way home, her husband said, 

"honey, that thing is a definite 480."

linda: "a 480? what's a 480?"

husband: "you open all 4 windows and i drive 80 and maybe that sucker'll fly outa here.")

well, it didn't. because linda made sure it didn't. because linda is one of those people who can find something beautiful in everyone and everything.

except for ugly Christmas sweaters. linda wouldn't be caught dead in an ugly Christmas sweater.

thank God for linda.

december 26th - january 1st

every year, between Christmas and new year's, i remember how between Christmas and new year's used to feel. and i, for one, make sure it still does.

• you'd leave the gifts out under the tree, still in their boxes and tissue paper (which was always either plain white or white with those little different colored flecks of whatever they were on them), and every time you'd walk by the tree you'd be like, oh yeah......i got that, too! and you'd feel good inside.
• you were either waiting for it to snow so you could use your new sled or waiting for it to thaw so you could use your new bike. and unlike other kinds of waiting, that was a wonderful kind of waiting.
• you were on Christmas vacation. not Christmas break and not winter break. Christmas vay.cay.shun.
• you'd go downtown and buy something with the money your aunt and uncle gave you. and it was half off, so you'd buy two!
• while there, your parents would buy next year's Christmas cards and next year's wrapping paper. so you got to start dreaming about another Christmas even as you were still enjoying this one.
• Christmas vacation seemed like a long, long time.
• you'd eat holiday leftovers all week.
• you'd be excited for new year's eve. and guy lombardo.
• you'd keep trying to decide which gift to bring on the first day back to school for show and tell. and the choices were plentiful!
• you'd stay in your jammies longer.
• you'd watch a little captain kangaroo and then play with your new stuff. then you'd watch a little lucy's toyshop and take a nap. and then you'd wake up and eat Christmas cookies.
• everyone's Christmas decorations were still up. even though Christmas was officially over, nobody wanted it to be over. and so........it wasn't!
• but mostly, nobody had gone back to being their usual crabby old selves.

no room in the inn

isn't it odd........in all of creation (his creation, no less)........there was no room for the creator.


still isn't, in a lotta cases.  

silver bells. and linings.

good things always come from bad things. if you let it.



the pall that has been over the nation since last friday has unleashed an avalanche of love.

colliding with Christmas as it has is at once tragic and perfect. if you can't see Christ in Christmas now.............then, when?

if all you can say is, "where was God," then this whole hideous thing has been lost on you. and that, my friend, is a tragedy, too.

in an odd mix of holidays, i am reminded this Christmas that after Good Friday came Easter.



good things always come from bad things.

if you let it.

Christmas

Christmas is so different this year. and by Christmas is so different this year, i mean i am so different this year.

it's been mild and rainy, not cold and snowy, and yet, i don't mind.

i haven't bought abby a single thing yet and i haven't bought eli a single thing yet and i haven't bought the triplets a single thing yet and the two things that i bought olivia haven't arrived yet and by now they should have. and yet, i don't mind.

i have decided to have ham and beans and cornbread for Christmas dinner and not only do i not mind, i can barely wait.

i have switched over completely from traditional Christmas decorations to modern Christmas decorations. no traditional green in sight. lots of lime and red and turquoise and silver. 

i am going to do swiss fondue on Christmas eve.

i'm making cookies. haven't done that in like for. ev. uh.

we are going to have make-your-own sundaes for dessert on Christmas day.

i haven't written my cards yet.

all my CDs got ripped off outa my car and now the only Christmas music i have is online or on the radio.

and i don't mind.


the trappings of Christmas are falling away and in the space where all of them used to be is..........

Christmas.

coupla unappreciated good things about Christmas

one good thing about wanting a hippopotamus for Christmas is that you only want one. because if you wanted more than one, you'd have to worry about and figure out whether that means you want hippopotamuses or hippopotami. and that, right there, would take all the fun out of Christmas.

another good thing about Christmas that you probably didn't pay any attention to is that it pretty much stays. the. same. oh, sure........you've got your newfangled christmahannawanza goin' on and your ACLU trying its best to be the grinch (or, wait........maybe it's the grinch who's trying his best to be the ACLU!)...........

but, whatever..........sure, you've got your hallowgivingchristmahannaza goin' on and your ACLU/grinch thing goin' on, but other than that, really, it's the same thing, year in and year out. and that's good.

you've got your red and your green. done.

you've got your boxes in the attic. done.

you've got the manger scene you've had since you were a kid. done.

you've got your stockings and your cookies and your candy canes and, of course, the tree. nothing new about any of that. just good old, reliable Christmas.


another nice - and largely unappreciated - thing about Christmas is.......


Christ is born.  

two more things scratched off the list

black friday and the ohio state-michigan game. (and one good thing about being bowl ineligible is that i don't have to wait around to scratch a bowl game  off the list. jim tressel already scratched it off for me.)

(and speaking of jim tressel.......personally, i thought it was unbelievably inappropriate for him to be on the field yesterday and getting such a standing o. quite frankly, i had to do a double-take. i couldn't believe what i was seeing. and all those fans......going crazy......for the man who scratched a bowl game off their list. one thing's for sure......nothing is harder to comprehend than an ohio state football fan.)

i have also scratched one white candle in each window off the list this year. my windows are gonna skip and go naked. whadda i need one white candle in each window for? i have twinkly white lights on my headboard, i have white lights on my tree, and i have white lights on my other tree. 

what i think i might do is, i might wait till january 1st and then, when all the other decorations are taken down, i might put up the one white candle in each window. and keep them up all through the winter. i think it will be nice to come home on a cold, dark january night and see that.

much better than seeing jim tressel.

it's that time of year

a lot of things happen this time of year - most of 'em good.


you've  got your election out of the way which, this year, ok, talk about your exception to the good rule. but other than that, this time of year is nice.

it's nice because the weather isn't hot. that's probably the biggest reason of all that this time of year is nice. it's also nice because the birth of the Saviour is right around the corner, but - truth be told? the weather not being hot is just about as good as the birth of  Christ. i mean, sorry, but it's true.

it's also nice because everything is in the expectant mode and nothing is in the it's-all-over-so-now-back-to-the-grind mode. the holidays are coming - they're close - but they aren't quite here yet. which means, you have the luxury of thinking how nice and stress-free and non-breaking-of-the-bank they're gonna be this year. everything is still exciting. everything is still fun. 

in other words, you're in denial. which is nice.
.
this time of year, the mashed potatoes aren't lumpy yet. the turkey's still moist.

the lights aren't all tangled up. in your mind's eye, you see them shining perfectly.  none of them are burned out.

black friday hasn't hit yet, so you're still asleep at 2 in the morning.

ohio state hasn't played michigan yet, so you're still sober at 2 in the morning.

it's official. the holidays are here.

they're here. and you aren't gonna hear me complain' about it. the only thing you're gonna hear me complain' about is everybody complainin' about it.

look, what's the difference between stores putting out their Christmas stuff in october and you griping about stores putting out their Christmas stuff in october? both are a buzz kill. 

if you don't like stores putting out their Christmas stuff in october, don't go to stores. or, go to stores and don't look. it's not easy, but it can be done.......i've done it! i went to kohl's in september and they had their trim-a-tree shop up and runnin. complete with Christmas music. i shut my eyes, stuck my fingers in my ears, and moved on. saved me a lot of money!

just because something is everywhere doesn't mean you have to do it. remember what your mom said about that bridge and you jumping off it if all your friends jumped off it, too? applies just as much to Christmas. why you think that somebody celebrating something in october has to ruin your october is beyond me. with thinking like that, everyday would be ruined for you. because everyday somebody is doing something you don't like.

so, please. enough already about everybody rushing the holidays. they've rushed 'em before, they'll rush 'em again. and besides.....tell the truth.....come Christmas Day, do you really like your gorgeous new cashmere sweater any less because you saw it on a mannequin in october? 

how to return a gift

don't.


that's it - don't!


the notion of returning a gift because you "don't like it"  or "don't need it" is anathema to me (not too often you can use the word "anathema").

how dare you???????

returning a gift because you need the same thing in a smaller or a larger size is permissible. beyond that, there is no valid reason to be returning the gifts that someone lovingly and patiently picked out for you.

even if they didn't pick them out lovingly and patiently. yes..........even if they picked them out solely out of a sense of obligation. obligation works both ways.........and now that you have received a chia pet that plays jingle bells when you water it, you are obligated to keep it.

you are not allowed to re-gift it. if you are invited to a white elephant party or a dirty santa party (sounds dirty to me) or any other kind of dang fool party wherein you are asked to bring a gift that you got for Christmas that you don't like, you must go out and buy a gift that you don't like and give that. sorry, but those are the rules. i'm not the one makin' 'em up.

(well, yes i am.)

returning or re-gifting a gift, just because you don't like it, is the diametric opposite of what a gift is. what if mary had said to the wise men, "seriously, guys? more myrrh? the last thing i need is more myrrh."

so, whatever you got for Christmas, treasure it. you don't have to like it, but you do have to treasure it.

you don't have to use it - you just have to treasure it.

(actually, you do have to use it........when the person who gave it to you comes over.)