my life has been pretty darned wonderful through all the years and yet, on new year's eve, i always feel bad.
i always dread the burst of my "wonderful life bubble."
i worry that the new year is finally going to be the year where it all comes tumbling down, or at least, where i will be faced with some pretty stiff challenges that i'd rather not face.
i feel anxious on new year's eve - anxious mixed with sad mixed with gratitude. for me, it is thee most bittersweet day of the year.
and i always dread its coming.
and so it was, coming on the heels of the 12 straight most horrendous months of my life - with just one nearly unbearable heartache after the next - that i expected new year's eve 2010 - spent all alone and doing nothing - to be nothing short of the night from double triple quadruple hell.
but it wasn't.
it wasn't!
if anything, it was the best night i've had probly all year. you coulda knocked me over with a feather! just as i didn't see the agony of 2010 coming, so too did i not see the peace of december 31st coming.
it wasn't what i ended up doing (watching old sitcom reruns) last night that made it such a great night. it wasn't what i drank (my usual 2 - ok, so i mighta pushed it to 3 - glasses of wine), and it wasn't who i spent it with (no one). it wasn't that i stayed up late and got a kiss at midnight (i was in bed by 9).
it wasn't that somebody unexpectedly called or dropped by or invited me to something.
it certainly wasn't the weather! boo, weather! it got into the 60s yesterday (blech!) and the sun was, if you can actually believe this at the very end of december, shining. boo, weather!
no, it wasn't any of those things, so i guess it must've been me. and by i guess it must've been me, i mean, it must've been God.
it must've been God who brought me through the valley of the shadow of death this year, cuz i know for a fact that i sure as hell didn't do it.
it must've been God who didn't tell me last new year's eve - when i worried that 2010 would bring the fall of my life-long happiness - it must've been God who didn't tell me, "yes, nancy, you're right." it must've been God who didn't tell me that because He knew i couldn't tolerate it if He did.
it must've been God who sat there with me on the couch last night and watched "everybody loves raymond, the new adventures of old christine, the office, gunsmoke, and bewitched."
it must've been He who waved his arm or blew His breath or did whatever God does when He wants to perform a silent miracle.
it must've been Him. because it certainly wasn't me. it certainly wasn't pajama-clad me, sprawled on the couch, chompin' on popcorn. (sidebar here: what kind of wine goes good with popcorn? any kind of wine.)
it must've been God who, on what is always the worst night of the year for me anyway and so this particular year, it shoulda been hell....it must've been God who dropped by (not entirely uninvited) and decided to hang out with me on new year's eve.
it must've been God.........
because i felt so good yesterday.
and i feel so good today.
and i expect to feel even better tomorrow.
