get a grip - the wine does NOT need to breathe.

here's proof:

1. they don't let wine breathe in restaurants, now do they?
2. grapes don't breathe, now do they?
3. no other foods or drinks breathe, now do they?
4. so how is it that only wine needs to breathe?
5. which reminds me of something i saw on facebook recently: let the wine breathe. if it does not appear to be breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

limited connectivity

i hate computers.


this morning, my computer tells me that i have limited connectivity, despite the fact that it shows that i have all of the bars in green, so i switch to another network which has two bars that aren't green and even though intuitively, you would think that a network with fewer bars than a network with all the bars is going to work less well than the network with all the bars, the network with fewer bars works better.

which could have been a good tag line for the women's temperance movement......."a neighborhood with fewer bars works better than a neighborhood with more bars."

but, whatever. i hate computers.

i'm also not a big fan of tax time, but today's the day i do my taxes.


wonder if the feds will buy it if i tell 'em i have limited connectivity?

why i have a problem with designated drivers

before i tell you why i have a problem with them, let me tell you why i don't have a problem with them.....

i don't have a problem with you not killing somebody.


that said, i have nothing but 100% problems with this whole "designated driver" thing. it's like we're saying, it's ok to get drunk out of your skull, just don't kill anybody while you're doing it.

i disagree.

i think it's not ok to get drunk out of your skull......even if you don't kill (or even hurt) anybody while you're doing it. 


our society thinks it's pretty much ok to do anything you want as long as you "don't hurt anybody else." i think that's crap.

first of all, you are hurting anybody else. you're hurting yourself. and waaaaaay more importantly than that, you're hurting God. but i know, i know.......God is "old school." nobody in their right mind gives a flip about hurting "God." hell........God probably doesn't even exist. and if He does, who does He think He is to tell you not to drink too much? God schmod.


the character of a person is revealed in what he does when nobody is looking.


yes. even when the designated driver isn't.

because designated driver, schmesignated driver.

God is.

what to give up for Lent

we had a guest priest a couple of sundays ago and he tried to help us figure out what to give up for Lent but after listening to him, i was ready to give him up.

here's what he said:

1. that this newfangled trend of not giving something up but adding something - to benefit others - is all well and good but still. we need to suffer a little. Christ did, we should. period.
2. give up something that'll hurt but nothing that'll hurt too much. (really? the cross didn't hurt too much?)
3. don't give up something that will benefit you personally, like, say, smoking. or eating candy. or any of the other things that everybody always gives up. ok, so i get that.
4. don't give up something that you need to give up even after Lent is over, like a bad health habit (see #3 above). really? cleaning up your act, starting on Ash Wednesday and lasting into the future, isn't something you should do? 
5. don't give up something that somebody else thinks you should give up. huh?
6. don't give up something that you think you should give up. double huh?
7. don't give up whatever it was you gave up last year because obviously, if you need to give it up again this year, you clearly didn't permanently give it up last year. huh? what about #4?
8. don't forget that it is in giving up that we gain. (ok. but what about #3?)
9. don't give up something that everybody else will necessarily know about. be humble. don't broadcast.
10. remember, whatever you give up, you are setting an example for others.

so, yeah.

i'm giving him up.

what's bad about good, Good, GOOD?

nothing.


this morning, my priest told us about his recent 10-day visit to a convent in missouri. it's a cloistered community whose 20-plus sisters take, among other things, a vow of silence. they only talk (conversationally) one hour per day.

but father lutz didn't focus this morning on the talking that these sisters don't do. he focused on what they do do.......like sweep the floor even if it doesn't seem to need it.

like arrange the sanctuary flowers. per. fect. ly. taking each petal and turning it........just so.

like, when laying out his vestments in preparation for him to say Mass, they twist the fabric into intricate patterns and flourishes.........perfectly symmetrical on each side.

how when they are reciting prayers in the chapel, if one of them goofs up and says the wrong word, she will genuflect and strike her breast, thereby publicly atoning for not having offered her most perfect prayer to her Lord. how the other nuns maintain "custody of their eyes," meaning, they don't crane their necks to see which sister screwed up. instead, they keep their eyes straight forward or straight down - or closed - as the circumstance requires.

was father lutz suggesting that his flock sweep the floor of the church even if it doesn't need it? no.

yes.

what i think he was trying to say was, why stop there? why stop short of aiming for perfection in serving and loving the Lord? why? just because you'll fail? your spouse will fail in striving to perfectly love and serve you. you want me to tell him/her to stop trying?

most of us try really hard to, for example, make money. or to make good grades. we try hard to raise good kids (although too many of us do that so that we can be proud). most of us try to obey the law. well, except for the ones we don't like, like the speed limit.

most of us try a fairly decent amount to do a fairly decent job at most of the things we do.

but how many of us try that hard - how many of us try harder - how many of us bend over backwards - to please God?

how many of us touch each. petal?

i don't think that father lutz was trying to tell us to go out and make ourselves sick or to kill ourselves with non-stop labor. i don't think he was saying that we should try to develop psychological disorders, like OCD, in the service of Christ. but i think he was saying that there are miles and miles and miles of improvement - of striving - that each of us can - and should - be making towards the goal of being not only good, but.......... holy.


if i sweep my floor once before you come over to visit, how many more times should i sweep it if i expect Christ to drop by?

which, by the way, He did.

kay looks like georgy.

i have a friend from high school named "georgy," and the lady at petsmart, kay, looks just like her. every time i go into petsmart, it's like i'm going into north high. well, north high with dogs. (canine dogs, i mean.)

anyway, kay is a dead ringer for georgy. georgy used to have thee most gorgeous, thick, glossy, red hair you have ever in your whole miserable life ever seen and i think kay probably used to have red hair, too. but it's not like i can go up to her and say, hey kay, did your hair used to be a gorgeous shade of red back before you got old? i mean, you can ask the lady at petsmart where the dog butt cream is but you can't ask her what color of hair she used to have. you just can't.

so, anyway, i don't know if kay's hair used to be gorgeous red like georgy's hair used to be gorgeous red or not and i don't know if kay has that same adorable, infectious giggle that georgy has.

next time i'm in there, i'll ask her where the dog butt cream is and we'll see.

what happened to the rest of the vitamins?

why do we have vitamins a, b, c, d, and e and then nothing till k and then nothing after that? i mean, i would think the alphabet would have unionized by now and outlawed such discrimination.


i had to drag myself to the pharmacy today for some cold meds and while i was there, i decided to re-load my vitamin c supply. as i stood in front of the myriad of vitamins swirling in front of my bleary eyes, it dawned on me that more than half the alphabet got the shaft. sup with that?

i can sorta see why we don't have a vitamin f cuz just imagine all the jokes that would come from that. but why not, for instance, a vitamin s? i think the very words "vitamin s" have a wonderful ring to them and make a person feel better immediately just hearing them.

vitamin p would probably be the brunt of too many worn-out jokes, too, but what about t? vitamin t sounds like chamomile and rose hips all rolled into one. chamomile and rose hips surely ought to cure a cold.............right?


i think the reason i get sick so much is because i like to write and half the alphabet is left out of my system.

learn to draw (or learn to get well).

waaaaaaay back in the day, there was a t.v. show called, "john nagy: learn to draw." the idea was, you'd tune in to his half hour show not being able to draw anything except flies (get it? draw flies?) and by the end of the show, you'd be rembrandt. or at least john nagy.

well, once again, i am not feeling well (i need to donate my immune system to science. why not? i don't seem to be using it anyway.....) and once again, i find myself flat on my back on the couch, channel surfing. (sidebar here: i can't draw and i can't surf, but i can channel surf. we all have our talents.)

so, anyway, i am channel surfing and i come across a guy with a HUGE afro and his shirt tucked into his dad jeans and he's gearing up to paint a picture. i lift my finger from the "next channel" button to get a second look. is that john nagy????

no. it's not. it's bob ross. whoever bob ross is.

so, anyway, i toss the remote on the coffee table and settle in to see what Big Fro Bob is gonna paint.

it. was. a. ma. zing., people. A. MA. ZING.

in about twenty minutes time, he painted a complete picture, worthy of hanging. 20 minutes! how can you paint a complete picture, worthy of hanging, in 20 minutes? or even not worthy of hanging?????

what he painted was a winter scene, or as we in the trade call it, "landscape." it freaked me out how fast and how well he did this. it was like, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, here's your gorgeous winter day in the woods. done.

the whole thing blew my mind but i think the part i liked best was how he painted pine trees. i wish i could explain his technique, but i can't. basically though, visualize him saying to the painting, "pine trees......appear!" and they did. it was that magical.

now, bob ross's painting taste doesn't happen to suit my taste, but his talent is unmistakable. and i sure never knew that painters could paint that fast.


now, if he would just paint a picture of me getting well..........


fast.

communism or, God as water cooler

let's just say you're an egomaniac (which is a euphemism for God-less) and they hire you at their company to be the new ceo and since you're an egomaniac (i mean, "egomaniac"), you want your new employees to worship you but they worship the water cooler instead.

with me so far?

ok, so these new employees of yours love their water cooler. they - and generations of employees before them -  depend on it for everything - not only for water but also for relationships. it's where they blow off steam, talk about life, console and comfort one another, get their reality checks, get their priorities straight, hit each other up for a few bucks when things are tight, offer to help move 'em into their new apartment this weekend, get their batteries re-charged, and go back to the cold, hard world of work, renewed and strengthened.

without their water cooler, these people would die.

or so they think.

enter you, the "egomaniac," who has a better idea. how about if they worship you instead?

so, ok.......you want them to worship and depend on you instead of their water cooler to whom they have had devotion and allegiance since before anyone (even you) can remember. so, whatta ya do? you get rid of the water cooler, that's what.

but you're smart. you don't just one day waltz in there and rip out the water cooler. besides flooding the whole place, you know what a mess that would cause.

so, you do it slowly, albeit methodically. maybe the first thing you do is start telling them that the water really isn't good for them after all. that studies have found all sorts of impurities in it and eventually, if they keep on drinking this stuff - or even keep on being in close proximity to it - they're gonna die.

pity, pity......what's a poor ceo who cares about his people to do?  (sigh)

maybe you tell them that yes, you care about productivity and yes, you care about the bottom line, but what you really care about, bar none, is the health and welfare and happiness of them.

you tell them all sorts of things. you pull out (or make up) as many "studies" as you can - not only about water but about everything they thought they believed in - and you propagandize the hell out of 'em.

pretty soon, you're ready to pull the plug. or, in this case, the water cooler.

it starts to flood, but you expected that. you have your peeps lined up and ready to go, mops in hand. (you're so smart. you line up such good peeps. the best peeps in the land.)

and now, when your employees get thirsty (and in a few years, as your plan progresses, hungry or in need of a few bucks, or homeless, or cell phone-less, or birth control-less), all they have to do is come to you, with their pre-approved voucher which your peeps issued to them in the last quarter of the last fiscal year, and ask for a "drink." except oops, their voucher has expired. didn't they read the fine print?

but, not to worry. you, the wise, wise "egomaniac," foresaw this. of course you did. you know everything. you have a whole department set up and ready to handle expired vouchers. you won't let your people go thirsty! never!


you won't let your people go, either.

learning more from weak than strong

i have a bachelor's degree in psychology, a master's degree in social work, and approximately 1,200 hours of continued education training beyond that.

my best teachers have been my clients.


another reason (since so many people seem to need one) not to abort children.

this is "whatever happened to incense?"

i don't like incense. it gives me a borderline headache. it even smells like a headache.

i have a client whose parents love to burn incense in their home. no, i'm not naive and yes, it has occurred to me - more than once - why, when i go to their house, they always have incense burning.

for some insane reason known only to God, their favorite is cherry pie incense.

if it were up to me, i would much rather light a cherry pie candle than a cherry pie stick of incense.

if it were up to me, i would much rather bake an actual cherry pie.

this family baked an actual apple pie for thanksgiving last year and when they told me (on one visit) that they would be baking it (on my next visit), i thought to myself, at last! no more cherry incense smell!

wrong.

here's how to ruin the smell of an apple pie baking in the kitchen: burn cherry incense in the living room.

the really sad part about this family and their incense is that i love this family. i love, love, love 'em. but, i had to say good-bye to them last week - not because their house gave me a headache, but because my client - their son - didn't need me anymore. he had achieved his treatment goals and was good for me to go.

but they gave me a thank you gift before i left.

yep.

backwards speech / hceeps sdrawkcab

(before i tell this story, it's ironic - and funny -  that this is a post on a blog titled, "let's just get this straight.")



it wasn't until i was a sophomore in college that i found out - and was shocked when i did -  that not everybody tastes sounds (synesthesia) like i do. it wasn't until this week that i found out - and was shocked when i did -  that not everybody reads words backwards like i do.

i'm not talking about dyslexia. i'm talking about "backwards speech," sometimes referred to as "reverse speech."

like synesthesia, not many people have backwards speech. leave it to me to have both.

people with backwards speech have it in various forms (ditto with synesthesia). some people literally have backwards speech, meaning that they can talk backwards. more common are those, like me, who read backwards. but again, not dyslexia. people who talk backwards or read backwards know that they are doing it. and they do it deliberately.

for example......almost without fail, when i am driving, i will read the road signs backwards. if it says "stop," my brain immediately reads "pots." i don't really think it says pots. i know it says stop. but it's more fun if it says pots.  :)

whatever make of car i am behind at a stop sign (i mean, at a pots sign), immediately becomes the backwards version of whatever it is. so, if the letters t-o-y-o-t-a are spread across the back of the car, i think to myself, hmmmm......another atoyot lover, just like me.

or another adnoh lover.

or an aik driver.


if i'm at the grocery, i don't look for a tub of margarine, i look for a but of one.


i thought everybody did this. i was shocked to find out that they don't.


but i think maybe my dad does it. he used to always call beer, "reeb," and he had a nickname for me when i was a kid......my last name, spelled backwards - "niknar."

i'm going to go call him right now and ask him if he says or sees anything else backwards.


i'll let you know what he syas.

things that are better plain

i had a grilled cheese from tim horton's yesterday and it reminded me of something......don't ever do it again.


oh, the sandwich was good enough, i'll give you that. but it was on panini. enough already with the panini, folks. panini may have its place, but on an american grilled cheese sandwich is not it. an american grilled cheese sandwich needs no adornment. the simpler, the better. the squishier,  the oozier, the better. panini does not squish. panini fights back.

i remember when bread was bread and truthfully, what was so wrong with that? what was so wrong with your good old basic wonder bread with melted cheese or peanut butter in the middle of it? nothing, that's what. nothing whatsofrickinever was wrong with that.

oh, the fiber. fiber schmiber. you want fiber - eat a tree. (no, wait. you can't do that. we're supposed to be saving trees. rats.)

besides a grilled cheese sandwich or a peanut butter and jelly one, here is the complete list of things that are better plain:

• your face. babies don't wear make-up, do they?
• pizza. just plain cheese pizza can. not. be beat.
• clothes. jeans and a tee. and you're out the door.
• m&ms.
• Christmas decorations. a beautiful wreath on the door. done.
• cars. they are trans. por. ta. tion., people. something designed to get you from here to there. why do you need leather to get you from here to there?
• people. as in folks.

i have never met an erudite person that i liked better than barney fife.