stuff that's just stupid dumb

we read left to right. right? you don't pick up a book - unless it's in chinese - and it reads right to left. so why can't everything else be just as standard? why can't the bells and whistles and knobs and everything on everything be in the same place and work in the same way?????? Looooord, gimme some gray hair, why dontcha?

when you tell your IT guy at work that something went wrong and he says, "did you click the little box to the right?" and you say, "i don't remember. i clicked what made sense to click," and he says, "well, did you click the little box right above the first little box?" and you say, "i don't remember! i clicked what made sense to click!" and he says, "well, you probably clicked the wrong box," and you say, "yeah, i probably did," and he says, "well, next time, click the correct one."

musical tones and sound alerts and beeps and buzzes and alarms on everything that keep going off and nobody knows whose it is.

the fact that i have one brick, one doorstop, one box on top of another box, and a stroller all positioned by or in the cat room's door so that my dog doesn't get in there to eat their food and she still does.

be nice to your kid for 5 minutes

that's the goal of a specialized treatment program called PCIT - "parent-child interaction training."

parent-child interaction training?

yes. parent-child interaction training.

and the goal is, try to be nice to your kid for 5 minutes each day.


maybe what we need instead of PCIT is SPNIT.....

"sexual partner non-interaction training."


that'd solve it.

ya THINK?

(my friend, Mark Ryman, just posted this on his blog (http://t.co/TnMWARnt.) i don't think i have ever heard a better wake-up call in my whole life):

G. K. Chesterton once answered a London Times query that was put to a number of authors: “What’s wrong with the world?” Replies of a variety of lengths were offered but none so brief or profound as Chesterton’s:

His answer was simply,

“I am.”

sweeter charity

i already told you about my plan to buy something new each month - something that i would choose for myself -  and then give it away. (i've kept my promise, btw.)

now i'm gonna add these. maybe you will, too:

• ima resurrect the "poor box." ima put me a box of some sort right by my front door. every time i leave and every time i come home, i will make a donation to my poor box. when it's full, i will donate it to a charity of my choice.
• the next time i buy something for myself - small or large - ima figure out how much i can afford for it and then ima buy the version of the product i want in the next price point down. then ima calculate the difference, and donate that to a charity of my choice.
• when i go for fast food or coffee, ima buy two. one for me, one for somebody.

next resolution - after i master my charitable intentions? - ima stop sayin "ima." (ima do it!)

man, and i had to pick the weekend kids at ohio state return to school to go to target

going back to college or to college for the first time is not what it used to be. neither is it what it should be.......but i guess you knew i would think that.

first of all, who needs coordinating dorm room decor? the only thing your room decor needs to coordinate with is your books. and by books i mean gadgets, cuz they don't even make books anymore.

which, ok, means that the only color you gotta worry about is silver. and maybe some black. a smidge of white, and you're done with it. voila, buy a white washcloth and suddenly, your linens coordinate with your iPod.

buy a black pen and..... done!

need a microwave? no, you don't.

need a flat panel? no, you don't.

need furniture? freaking furniture? look here, you lousy college kids......the only furniture you need is the ugly consoles that the university provides and are bolted down to the floor. period. period!

when you get out of college.....when you get out of college and get a job (provided obama isn't president).....then you can buy your stupid microwave/t.v./barcolounger.

until then? get outa my way......i need a new microwave.

the ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thumping

what is up with the folks upstairs?

the last three weekends in a row, whoever it is up there has been doing whatever it is they're doing up there and whatever it is, it's loud. (and i can't even hear right!)

it sounds like ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-THUMP. first time i heard it, i thought someone was practicing their floor exercise routine. and from what i could tell, they were totally sticking the landing(s).

then i thought they were moving furniture. but who has that much furniture? and how can you move furniture every 2 minutes all night long?

then i thought - and this is probably as close to the truth as anything - that there are approximately 4 500-lb. men up there doing God knows what 4 500-lb. men do. God doesn't wanna know (but sadly, He does) and believe me, neither do i.

anyway, so last night, right? i finally called the security guy and told him to tell the 4 500-lb. men to shut the $*(@#$#)* up. he did and they did. which is actually kind of unfortunate.

cuz the mental image of 4 500-lb. men doing whatever they're doing  - in their floor ex routine or especially on the balance beam -  really is kinda fun.

no, SERIOUSLY

the triplets don't wake abby and eli up in the night - abby and eli wake them up.

the entire family was at easton town center exactly one week to the day after the tripilittles were born. the twins played in the fountains, everyone out of diapers ate chipotle, and everyone whose taste buds could tolerate it ate frozen yogurt at yagoot. (blech - yagoot! boo! hiss!)

the entire easton town center field trip lasted about 4 hours. lemme see you try that with 2-year old twins and newborn triplets.

and everyone was happy. yes, happy.

the trips go down for the night at the same time the twins do - 7:00 p.m.  - which gives abby and eli a nice, quiet evening together. nice, quiet evening??? are you kidding me???

no, ma'm, i am not.

the beds are made, the toys are picked up twice a day, the twins are robust and happy and healthy, the triplets are defying all the odds, and abby and eli are smiling.

are they nuts?

are they high?


well, if by "high" you mean in love with God and a purpose-driven life.......

yes.

roads that are broken up

i don't mean roads that are torn up (though, that, too), but i mean roads that are called, for example, "smith road" and then smith road ends somewhere and then they call another road that is close to smith road, "smith road." and then that smith road ends somewhere and there is yet again a third smith road, this one close to the second one which was close to the first one.

follow that?

neither do i.

if a road ends, it ends. sorry. if smith road goes on for a mile and then it ends at jones road, the road that turns off of jones road and is only about two blocks from smith road is not also smith road. sorry, it's not. it's miller road or it's johnson road or it's brown road, white road, green eggs and ham road.....i don't care.....just not smith road.

who in their right mind thinks it makes sense for roads to "jog?" roads do not jog, people. people jog.

except for those who sit around and type about jogging rather than actually doing it.

hello, my name is gammy.

when abby and eli were pregnant with the twins, they asked me what i wanted the twins to call me, and i told them, i think the twins should decide that, not me. i said that whatever falls out of the twins' mouths when they refer to me is what i'll be called.

well, abby and eli are smarter than i am - a whole lot smarter - and they pointed out to me that the twins won't spontaneously call me anything.....that they will call me whatever they hear other people calling me. good point.

so i pondered what i wanted to be called. i knew i didn't want "grandma," though i'm not entirely sure why not because i have fond, fond memories of my own "grandmas."

i definitely didn't want "granny!" ewwwww......granny!

i considered "nana," which probably made the most sense of all, seeing as how my name is nancy and my mom calls me "nan."

my mom also calls me "nanny," so i considered that.

but i finally settled on "grammy," or "gram" for short,  and that is what i have been....... right up to today.

but the twins can't say "grammy." they say "gammy" (or "gam") - without the "r."

so, in keeping with my original desire to go by whatever name the twins came up with, i am hereby officially proclaiming a name change from "grammy" to "gammy."


i hope the triplets can say it.

all quiet on the western front. (how is that even POSSIBLE?)

the first night home went fine. abby and eli had to wake the babies up to feed them.

the first full day home went equally fine. i stopped over briefly, to see if they needed help, and they said nope. that they've got it under control. that everything is going great.

and it is.

"this is our home. i LOVE it!" - olivia bowman, 2 1/2 years old

at the end of a BIG, BIG day, the twins brushed their teeth, went potty, and had their requisite drinks of water. then.....eli led his BIG, BIG family in nighttime prayer.

as she toddled down the hallway to her bedroom, olivia said, "this is our home. i LOVE it!"

what a perfect thing to say on september 10, 2011.


what a perfect thing to say today, too.

there needs to be an answer to "what's for dinner?"

there used to be.

the answer to "what's for dinner" used to be meatloaf. or pork chops. or ham and scalloped potatoes. what's wrong with america is, nobody says meatloaf or pork chops or ham and scalloped potatoes anymore.

what's wrong with america is, now people say, "no clue." or maybe they say, "i dunno.....subway?"

you can't raise a family if you don't know what's for dinner. i'm sorry, you just can't.

you also can't raise a family if you never go back to school shopping and if you don't have a swing or at least a tire tied to your tree. you don't have to have a full-blown, pre-fab wooden "climbing device" in your backyard, but you do gotta at least have a swing or a tire tied to your tree.

there's not a kid on the planet who can grow into a proper, solid citizen without one of this parents - preferably the dad - giving him "the look." if your kid doesn't know what "the look" even means, you've failed. period. sorry.

it is also helpful, though not essential, if your sons wear striped t-shirts with their dungarees and your daughters wear plaid jumpers.


you're welcome.

it's a fun story to tell

i love the different reactions. and they often fall along demographic lines:

in general, blacks tend to view it as a blessing. if i have heard, "thank you, Jesus!" once from a black person, i have heard it a thousand times.

the wealthier the person appears to be, the more negative his or her impression....."oh, jeeze" versus, "thank you, Jesus!"

religious people love it. non-religious people think it sounds like a pain in the ass.

children and the elderly positively glow.

wall street types don't even hear what i'm saying. they're too busy stewing in their own juices.

conservatives are thrilled, liberals feel pity.

middle-aged people roll their eyes and say, "i'm glad it's them, not me."

young mothers say, "are you freaking kidding me?""


God says, "No.

I'm not."

surprising things about the NICU

when the nurse was asked by me if this is a stressful job, she smiled (sincerely), and said, "no."

you can move those babies around easier than you'd think, even with all those wires.

all those wires keep getting tangled up. (ok, so not exactly surprising)

no, charlie, all the babies in here aren't ours. (it just feels that way.)

no, charlie, if you push on this little thingamajig right here on luke's tummy, he does not get up and walk around. or throw a football.

they let little kids in there. (but they don't let little kids in the regular nursery. or adults, either. not even mom and dad.)

they take little kids' temps before they let them in there - for infection control purposes. but they don't take adults' temps. why not?

apparently, an adult with a temp is less dangerous than a kid with one.

who knew?

the memories are flying in fast and furious!

it's already a busy, busy bowman household and 4/7th of the household isn't even home yet!


it's odd......on the one hand, as everyone knows, 90% of medical care is pretty much sittin' around doin' nothin' but waiting. and yet, for all the waiting that we have done, things are moving in fast forward motion.

like i said.........it's odd.

there have been so many moments - sandwiched in between other moments, layered on top of other moments and sideways scrunched beside still other moments. i want to capture them all and remember them all, but i know i won't. can't. there are just so many.

memories, i mean. not people.

well, people, too.

:)

"if God doesn't exist, who is Jesus's dad?" - unknown

frankly, doesn't that end the argument right there? i mean, huh?


(btw, God exists. my daughter just gave birth to triplets yesterday.)

what's RIGHT outside YOUR window?

whatever it is, i bet it's not what's right outside mine:


a vineyard. minus the vine and minus the yard, but plus the wine. it's a win-win. (wine-wine?)

the shadowbox theater

the german club

a top-notch craft brewery

the bistro coffee shop

someone with pink hair and black tights, photographing someone with blue hair and red tights

a haunted house

a gigantic statue of a giant holding a gigantic beer stein

a kroger with a sushi bar, a donato's pizzeria, a patio bar, and live music on the weekends. makes up for the idiot cashiers.

the shadowbox bar, featuring 500 beers

a wedding reception

another wedding reception

another one

'nother

(and they say marriage is out of style)

a dog park

brick streets

abandoned wharehouses

abandoned wharehouses that aren't abandoned anymore

I-70

the columbus cultural arts museum

juvenile lock-up

a nightclub where the only rule is, dress as weird as you possibly can

an irish pub (that picture of me? up there to your right? that's me. in the irish pub. i don't look too shabby in irish, do i?)

one of the nicest restaurants in town

parking lots. lots and lots of lots.

grafitti

a bagel bar

a sandwich shop

another vineyard, also minus the vine and minus the yard but plus the wine. not to mention the artisan cheese and the homemade flatbread.

a gas station

someone with lots and lots of piercings.

lots and lots of someones with lots and lots of piercings.

beer cans on the ground

"no loitering" signs which go unheeded

trash

garbage

life.


the tip of my church's steeple. way over there in the distance.

what they need to make

what they need to make is, they need to make dental floss that after you use it and your hands are damp and the floss won't shake off your hand and into the waste basket, it will.

got that?

they also need to make some kind of thingamajig for a bathtub so that the adult who is bathing/supervising the kiddies doesn't break her back doing it.

a bathtub that keeps all the water in the tub - even when little hands are scooping it up in "bowls" made out of hands and dumping it out on the floor.....especially when little hands are doing that - would be appreciated.

they need a fly swatter that gets the fly the first time.

it'd be nice if for just one minute, they'd stop what they're doing and make a seat belt that never gets twisted. ditto for purse straps.

speaking of purses, purses without all that paper stuffed inside them when you buy them. if someone's gonna steal, they're gonna steal.

socks with magnets or radar or something on them so they never get lost in the laundry. i mean, how hard is that?


adults with three arms. at least for the first year.

40-something to 0, target, and the kids - more or less in that order

abby and i went to target yesterday during the ohio state game, which turned out to be a blow-out (the game....not target). even if half your damned players are suspended and your coach is about as new as unborn triplets, it sure as shootin' oughta be a blow-out.......when you're playing akron high school.


so, anyway, we went to target -  which was a slight bending of the medical restrictions under which abby remains. which is to say, it was a total bending, but we justified it nicely: abby rode in a scooter, i pushed the cart, and i did all the lifting and reaching. and i did all the paying. which, come to think of it, is precisely the protocol we follow when she's not under medical restrictions!


so, anyway, we went to target and bought thee most bizarre assortment of stuff that i do believe anyone in the history of target has ever bought at target......nipples (yes, you read that right), hangers, deodorant, breast milk storage bags, plastic bins, roasted almonds, shampoo, another shampoo, baby blankies with little animal heads attached to them which sounds disgusting, i know, but are actually quite cute, 3 books, 2 games, and a bottle of water. oh! and a slide rule. (just kidding! but when i re-read the list, it didn't sound bizarre enough, so i threw the slide rule in for, um, good measure!) LOL!


and then we schlepped all this stuff home and by "we" i mean "me" and then the kids got all excited and started running around like crazy people and the toys went flying in this direction and that direction and it wasn't even Christmas.


and the triplets aren't even here yet.

onion bagels

i have discovered the joy of onion bagels.

mostly, i am not a fan of onions. i never like them raw - never. and while i don't exactly like them cooked, i do appreciate their enhancement of flavor.

i almost always have an onion on hand and it almost always goes bad before i use it.

onions on pizza are an exception. for some reason, onions on pizza are sublime. i even like pizza with nothing but onions on it. just a plain old "onion pizza." people don't order an onion pizza very often, but they should. there's a pizzeria here in columbus that's famous - rightly so - for their onion pizza. they boast that the onions on their pizza "glimmer like diamonds," and it's true! a pizza and diamonds? all in one fell swoop? not a bad deal. (especially for $10.99.)

anchovies on pizza is another very strong contender for me. i love anchovy pizza! i might be the only person who does. which, i must say, is one advantage to living alone.....

i just glanced at the title of this post and realized that i'm supposed to be talking about onion bagels. so............. onion bagels?

i like 'em.