living in the most famous city in the u.s.

for a few days, at least, i am living in the most famous city in the united states.

no, not new york. not chicago or los angeles and not even san francisco.....which comes in an arguable third place with conservatives and a definite first place with libs.

i am living in columbus, ohio, and practically everyone on the planet is paying attention to my city.

not because i live here  and not because my daughter, who also lives here,  is pregnant with triplets. and she already has twins.

not because we have great restaurants here. i mean, great.

columbus, ohio does not have practically everyone on the planet's attention because we have a replica of the santa maria docked on the scioto river.

not because it is Test Market #1 in the entire u.s. of a.

not because we have a world-class zoo. i mean, world class.

not even because jack nicklaus hails from here or because nancy wilson hails from here or because rascal flatts hails from here. and if you don't know who rascal flatts is,

you must hail from san francisco.

busted flat in baton rouge. i mean, columbus.

just waved AAA good-bye for the second time in about as many weeks. they were here to fix a flat.......again.

this time, a nail was the culprit. last time, it was a screw. gettin nailed/gettin screwed........either way, it's not much fun.


my dad just got a screw in his tire, too, so you gotta figure it's coming from my place. on the other hand, you gotta figure it's coming from anywhere. i mean, think about it.........it's a wonder we don't all get flat tires everyday......or even multiple times everyday. all it takes is just one little bit of glass......

i asked the triple A guy why we all don't get flat tires more often than we do.

he said, "beats me, but i wish we would. i could use a little job security."


i'd like him to have a little job security, too.


i'm just tired of bein' the one givin' it to him. 

little organ grinder monkey hats

there's a rule of thumb that says that brides should never carry a bouquet that's bigger than their head. a similar rule of thumb needs to apply to women who wear hats: never wear a hat the size of an organ grinder's monkey.....unless you're an organ grinder's monkey.

hats seem to be making a bit of a comeback, at least in some circles. and by "some circles" i mean, anything involving the british monarchy and at my church's latin Mass.

my church has resurrected (ha!) the latin Mass - as have several other catholic churches across the world. and by "latin Mass" i mean, pre-vatican II, baby. and by "pre-vatican II, baby" i mean, before the world went to hell. baby.

in my church, and others like it, many of the women who attend latin Mass cover their heads with lace mantillas or veils. increasingly, i have noticed that others are choosing hats, as in, picture laura petrie in st. patrick's cathedral.

in many cases, the hats are really quite astonishing. like, for example, sarah "fergie" ferguson's poor daughters -  who scrounged up i-dont-know-what to wear on their heads to their cousin will's royal wedding. yeah, right.........like they're gonna catch a prince of their own lookin' like that.

hats that are asymmetrical seem to be all the rage. hats that have wiry little somethings sticking out from a clump of something else are pretty popular, too.

what's not popular are little organ grinder monkey hats. unless you're an organ grinder monkey.

but try telling that to whoever (whomever?)  she was at church this morning. this chick had on - i kid you not - the teensiest little hat i do believe i have ever seen on a human being. at first i was like, what the? and then, upon closer inspection, i realized that it was not a doll's hat. well, maybe it was! it was the dinkiest hat i have ever seen. truthfully, i don't even know why she bothered. if you blinked, you missed it.

the really funny thing is, as i was walking to church this morning, i passed this same woman (and, i guess, her husband) as they were leaving the great southern hotel in downtown columbus. i pass that hotel on my way to church and when this chick walked out with an organ grinder monkey's hat on, i dang near came to a dead stop right there in my tracks. i couldn't for the life of me figure out what was on top of her head. it was so small that at first, i thought it might be a protruding brain tumor. i mean, sorry, i know that doesn't sound very nice, but come on......who in their right mind wears a hat the size of a brain tumor???? ('course, if you have a brain tumor, maybe you're not in your right mind.)

anyway, imagine my surprise when i walked into church and there she was......about 3 pews ahead of me, on the opposite side. i was seated to her right and her little organ grinder monkey hat was perched on the left side of her head, so basically, i didn't see it at all except for when she came back up the aisle after communion.

seriously, people........maybe bringing back the latin Mass is a bad idea after all.

this, right here, is what it's all about.

do you wish God thought you were a weakling? yes. no.

you know the old saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle?" well, a friend of mine who struggled for 15 years with "on again/off again" cancer once told me, "i wish God thought i was a weakling."



wishing that God thought you were a weakling so that He would give you fewer burdens sounds, on the face of it, appealing. very appealing.

if God thought i were a weakling, maybe the only thing He woulda given me is difficult hair.

maybe He would've given me chubby fingers and called it a day.

it's sort of fun to imagine that He would have said to all the angels, "you know what.........this nancy rankin that I'm gettin' ready to whip up? she's gonna have to grow up in snoresville, u.s.a., aka, springfield, ohio. so let's go easy on her on all the rest of the stuff."

if God thought i were a weakling, maybe my daughter and son-in-law wouldn't have had a literal last minute change of plans when their twins were born and maybe the literal last minute change of plans when their twins were born wouldn't have been because we all thought my daughter's dad was gonna die the very same day.

and maybe my daughter's father wouldn't have died - period - or maybe at least he wouldn't have died 4 days after the twins were born and abby spoke at his funeral in between running back and forth to the NICU.

and maybe eli's father wouldn't have died completely out of the blue.

and maybe eli wouldn't have lost his job the day they were supposed to close on their house.

and maybe charlie wouldn't be so sensitive and anxiety-prone that it sometimes breaks your heart.

and maybe eli wouldn't be running around like a madman today, trying to tend to his wife who's in the hospital pregnant with triplets who, if they're born now, they won't survive, and his twins who are at home getting into everything and maybe the only thing he'd have to worry about is mowing the grass.

and maybe i wouldn't have to sit here and worry about any of it.

that is, if God thought i were a weakling

maybe, if God thought i were a weakling, maybe He wouldn't have made me so selfish that i think of all these problems in terms of not only problems but in terms of my problems rather than challenging me to think of them as opportunities to serve those whose problems they really are.

not to mention challenging me to trust Him instead of trying to trust my own stupid self.



what if God thought you were a weakling?

pizza, cervixes that need sewn shut, murphy and goode wine, and the twins. and that's about it.

i am going to order a pizza for dinner.

abby had her cervix sewn shut today so the triplets won't be born too early.

even the thought of abby's sewn-shut cervix does not diminish my appetite for pizza.

i also bought a bottle of 2007 murphy-goode cabernet to wash down the pizza. i really don't care about the murphy part, just the good(e) part.

charlie and oliva are so confused and bewildered by what's going on with their mother who is on bed rest and their family that's changing and all the weirdness that's going on in their lives with 3 more babies on the way that even though everyone says they are "resilient" and they will "rebound," i'm gonna save them some pizza -  just in case.

if the wine turns out to be more murphy than good(e), i might even save 'em some of that.

don't stand.......don't stand so.......don't stand so close to me!

WARNING: TMI ALERT!


last week i had my annual ob/gyn exam.

yesterday i had a rectal exam.

today i had a mammogram.


DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME!


jeeze.......i feel like every part of me has been poked and prodded by someone standing way too close to me!

the indignity!


and then, today, abby had another "digital" ultrasound. i was right there for it.


i shoulda stood outside in the hallway.

whaddya call those little strings of letters you have to type in for security purposes?

surely, there's a name for them. and i could google it to find out but i don't want to. so there.

but whatever they're called, they're a pain in the butt. it's one thing to have a string of letters that you can read.............but it's quite another to have a string of letters that you not only can't read, you don't want to read. you just want to make a comment on somebody's blog, for God's sake.

personally? if your blog makes me type a bunch of nonsense letters that sometimes spell things that don't sound very nice? personally, in cases like that? i'm just gonna stop commenting on your blog. period. i mean, it's not like your blog is all that great to begin with. it's about as great as mine.


little strings of letters that you have to type in for security purposes are not the only things about computers that are ridiculous................

meeting somebody online and then marrying him?

now, that's ridiculous.

but i think it's about........forgiveness........forgiveness........ESPECIALLY IF you don't love me anymore.

i have forgiven per.



i didn't want to.

what i wanted to do was, i wanted to shoot him in the head.

i wanted to take all of his clothes and burn them in some kind of ceremonial pile.

i wanted to take his books - but only his favorite ones - and add them to the pile.

i wanted to count backwards from 10 and if he wasn't home (he wasn't) by the time i got to zero, i wanted to sue his ass.

i wanted to write his parents and ask them, what the hell kinda son did you raise?


i  wanted.................to die.


but what i did instead was, i prayed....... i prayed till God sent me a text saying, "nancy, that's enough. you can stop praying now. and, please...............don't text me back."

what i did was, i read every Scripture in the Bible that i could find that endorsed the idea of forgiving this creep.



and so..............with heavy heart but light soul, i forgave him.

as, i am sure, did God.


and i have gone one step further, as, i am sure, has God.......


i love him.

gonna buy something new and then give it away

i don't know why - without somebody having to tell me - that this never occurred to me before but it didn't.........i'm gonna buy something new and then give it to charity. as opposed to going through all the junk that i don't want anymore and giving that to charity.

not that i will never again give something that i don't want anymore to charity because i will. but it's high time i give something that i do want to charity. and i don't mean money.

giving money to charity is nice and i do it, but let's face it - we plan to give it. we work it into our budgets so that it doesn't hurt when it comes out. most people accept tax breaks because of it.

that's not giving. that's cleanin' your own house and gettin' paid to do it!

occasionally, i see a charity that asks for donations of new items only, but that's rare. most of the time, we schlep our "gently used" stuff down to the salvation army and let them figure out what the hell to do with it. and even on those occasions when i have bought something new for a charity, i usually haven't bought the exact same item i would have bought for myself........i buy a cheaper version. admit it. you do, too.

so, anyway, here's what i'm gonna do.......once a month, i'm gonna buy something that i would like. something that i would love. and i'm gonna give it away.

i'm not trying to be some high and mighty saint.

i'm just trying - maybe for the first time in my life -  to give.

i'm just a little worried, that's all. because he's my dad, that's why.

7 years ago this month, my dad had cardiac bypass and valve replacement surgery. he's been fit as a fiddle ever since.

lately, he's been getting very fatigued after he does something strenuous, like, for example, work out at the gym which, despite being almost 84-years old, he does 3 times a week. as does my mom.

he's also been having chest pressure (not pain) following exertion.

his cardiac doctor thought he might need a stent or something like that and so, in order to find out for sure, dad had a heart cath a coupla weeks ago. everything looked great, they said. no problems. none. what. so. ever.

which is, obviously, great news.

but it doesn't explain why he's still getting fatigued after doing things like exercising or walking around the block or going up a ladder and coming right back down.

and it doesn't explain why, for the first time in his life, he had to take a nitroglycerin pill a coupla days ago because the chest "pressure" was "too much."

as we were having lunch together today, my dad and mom were telling me what's next, from a diagnostic standpoint. he's scheduled to see his regular doctor on wednesday and, "we'll take it from there," dad said.

"have you ever gotten fatigued or had chest pressure or anything at all after just normal activities - like what we're doing right now -  or is it always after something strenuous, " i asked, (as if i'd just graduated from vanderbilt medical school or something).

"no," my dad and mom said in unison, "only after something strenuous."

"well, that's good. i guess, " i said.  and they said, "yeah, that's good. i guess."


after lunch, we drove over to a hip little bakery for coffee and dessert.

we weren't there long.

"i'm beat," my dad said.

i looked at my mom. she looked at me.

"whaddya mean you're beat?" we asked.

"i mean i'm tired," he sorta snapped. "i mean, come on, donna, let's go!"


we got up, abruptly, and left.



"let me drive, don," my mom said.

"i can drive!" my dad said, in the macho kind of tone of voice that men his age often use. i mean, in the macho kind of tone of voice that men often use.

"donald! let. me. drive!" she said again, but she knew darned good and well - as did i - that she wasn't gonna win this argument. no sense trying. if my dad was gonna have a heart attack, my mom would only bring it on sooner by arguing with him.

they dropped me off at my door and as i got out of the car i said, "dad, don't be stupid, ok? you bossed me around for a bajillion years, now it's my turn. go to the doctor sooner than wednesday. please? for me?"

"yeah, yeah," he said, as they drove off into the sunset. i could see my mom shaking her head, as if to say, "you can't tell that man anything. you can't tell him anything."

after they left, i was talking to abby and i told her about my dad - her grandpa. her beloved grandpa.

"maybe i should call him, mom," she said. "do you think if i call him, he'd listen?"

"nah," i said. "he wouldn't listen if God called him! mattera fact........if God came down here right this minute and said to him, "listen here, donald wilson rankin, get your be-hind to the e.r. this instant," dad would look at God like he was some kind of alien or something and he'd probably say, "who do you think you are? you're no doctor!"

"besides, " i told abby, "we may not agree with his decision, but he has the right to make it. he's of sound mind. he deserves the dignity of not having us telling him how to run his life."

but i'm just a little worried, that's all.

because he's my dad, that's why.


and i love him.

grandma's house

i remember how my grandmother's house smelled

when she

dusted her old

mahogany

furniture.


i wanted her to buy the danish modern

instead.

i wanted her to get rid of those God-awful

drapes

and open the place up

a bit.


she had a claw-footed tub before

claw-footed tubs were

cool,

and i wanted her to get rid of that,

too.


 i said, "grandma, why do you have all these things

 in here

 that scare me?

 your bathtub scares me

 and your creaky stairs

 scare me

 and your dark, dark wood

 scares me."


she said, "do i scare you,

nancy?" and i said,

"oh, no, grandma! you don't scare me!

i love you!"


and she said, "see?

i know how to decorate

after all."

what i put off doing, in case the world DID end

pretty much everything.


i put off doing my paperwork so now...........i gotta do it today.

i put off dusting and vacuuming. ditto.

i put off the laundry, put off brushing the dog, put off cleaning the windows.

i let the dishes pile up in the sink, which i never do. and by "pile up" i mean, there's a fork and a juice glass in there.

i didn't dust the blinds, but even if the world didn't end, which it didn't, i wouldn'tve dusted the blinds.

one thing i put off, though, that has turned out to be genius: i didn't eat the bananas when they were new.

mmmmmmmmm.........banana bread, baby.

perfect breakfast for the day after the world's still here.

the elks. no, not the animal.

i went to "the elks club" in my hometown last night. let me tell you about "the elks club:"

ok, so first of all, when you hear the words "elks club" what do you think of? i think of frank barone (raymond's dad) and all his cronies (and by all his cronies, i mean, all his old fart cronies) at "THE LODGE."

THE LODGE!

yes......the kind of lodge where the grand poo-bah wears one of those hats that looks like an upside down bucket - with a graduation cap tassel on the side. (or is that the shriners?)

yes.......the kind of lodge where husbands go to get away from their wives and do whatever husbands who get away from their wives do. (don't even get me started.)

yes.......the kind of lodge that's just like your grandfather's oldsmobile.


however.......... it didn't turn out to be that kind of elks lodge.

it turned out to be the fun kind of elks lodge where, despite what you might have thought before you went to it, you would be caught dead in it!

i had a ball.

they didn't have any good wine. bummer.

they didn't have a sauna. bummer.

what they did have, however, was salt.

salt.

lots and lotsa salt.

salt of....... the earth. the kind of salt of the earth you call "friends."

the kind of salt of the earth you call "friends that why i ever left them, i have no clue."

the kind of salt of the earth that, even sans good wine and a decent sauna, you're gonna go back.

and back.

and back.

the kind of salt of the earth that, even if the world does end today.......

they'll still be there.


they'll still be there.


salt of the earth.


friends.

ok, so, THEE ohio state uniVERsity, dude.........ever HEARD of it?????

well, this is a first. this is probably headline news. this is incredible.

ok, so i was at target, right? (weekly fix)

i was at target and the cashier stared and stared at my t-shirt. of course, i looked down......to see if i had spilled something on it or if, when i wasn't paying attention, some pervert had ripped it off me.

nope. no mustard stains. no wine spills. no signs of pervert attack.

and so..............in the absence of all these things, i began to think that the cashier was the pervert! i was just about to turn my cart around and head for the next express aisle for people with no more than 15 items - yeah, right - when the cashier said to me, "excuse me, ma'm, but what does your t-shirt say?"

the two guys in front of me turned around to look at my shirt and when they saw what it said, they looked at the cashier like he was from some place a lot farther away than mars. (i could tell they were considering turning their cart around and heading for the next express aisle for people with no more than 15 items - yeah, right).

i, frankly, didn't know what to say. i mean, i was speechless. coulda knocked me over with a feather.

and when you throw in the fact that the target i was at is on olentangy river road, di-rectly across the street from THEE ohio state uniVERsity........well, it's a wonder i'm still breathing, that's all. it's a wonder.

so, i collected myself (somehow) and said to the cashier, i said, "um........my shirt says ohio state buckeyes.........ever heard of 'em?"

and he said - totally straight-faced, i kid you not - he said, "um, yeah. i've heard of 'em."

the two guys in front of me were in a sweat by this time. i mean, who could blame them? if this clown can't recognize an ohio state t-shirt.......in CO.LUM.BUS.O.HI.O, for the love of mike (who's mike?), then what reason do they have to trust that this turkey can count change?

the cashier soon enough realized that he sounded like a moron, so he tried to make up for his mistake by saying that he didn't have his glasses on and he thought my shirt said "ghostbusters."

i guess the dude must be co.lor.blind, too.

anyway.......don't shop at target.

people movin' out/people movin' in.....

("why? just because of the color of their skin".......... oops, sorry. LOVE me some Temptations!).........




a young couple is moving out today and they keep walking past my window with stuff in their arms. every single time they walk by, the young woman is chattering her head off and every single time she chatters her head off, the young man says nothing.

so typical.

i know this couple, and i like them very much (they had the good sense to name their dog "riesling," so it's kinda hard not to like them)........but they couldn't be more male/female if they tried. she's all sweet and pink and finger-polished and he's all aerosmith t-shirt.

i hope they'll be happy in their new home......... ("honey! PLEASE turn off your video game and come tell me if you think the blue or the brown curtains look better!")



and, as they move out, my son-in-law's mother, debbie, moves in. with me. tonight. temporarily. until the triplets are born - sometime toward the end of the summer. she's here from california (God bless her hubby for being so agreeable). she's going to help with the twins and help with abby and help with everything. (God bless her for being so agreeable.)

i don't know if debbie has an aerosmith t-shirt or not (i suspect she probably does) and i don't know if her toenails will be bright pink or bright red (probably bright purple), but i do know one thing........


she'll  care what color the curtains are.

:)

balancing tires

ok, so the car that i inherited from my parents was never driven above the speed limit because it was the car that my mom drove and my mom is NOT the little old lady from pasadena. she's the little old lady from URBANA which, you tell me if that has quite the same ring to it.

so anyway, she had never driven it fast enough to realize that if you do drive it fast enough - and by fast enough, i mean, too fast - that if you do drive it that fast, the steering wheel vibrates. not to mention your teeth.

so my dad, who, sidebar here, how he has managed to live with a woman who never drives above the speed limit is freaking. beyond. me..........but my dad, who has somehow managed to live with a woman who never drives above the speed limit told me that the tires probably need balanced.

in my dear father's typical style, he apologized profusely for having handed over to me a car whose tires were out of balance. i, in my typical style said, yeah, dad, sup with that??????  JUST KIDDING! i didn't say that.......i said, oh, dad, jeeze, don't be silly........ i am just grateful as all get out that you rescued me in a pinch!

(but what i was thinking to myself was, yeah, dad, sup with that?????) 

JUST KIDDING!

so, anyway, because my dad who, sidebar here, knows practically everything......because he told me that my tires probably needed to be balanced,
i took the car in today to have the tires balanced. (with me so far?)

before i took the car in, though, i asked my dad what i should say to all the questions that i KNOW the mechanic is gonna ask me.

"what kinda questions?" my dad said.

"you know what kinda questions!" i exclaimed. "the kinda questions that i won't know the answer to!"

"what kinda questions that you won't know the answers to?"

"you know, " i said, "questions like, is your car an I.P 8-4-4 or is it an L.C. 9-2?"


"he's not gonna ask you a stupid question like that!" my dad hollered.

"yes he will," i said. "either that or he'll ask me if i use 629 oil or the super-saturated XBT oil."

"nancy, you're nuts," my dad said.


see? i told ya.........he knows everything.

how much longer can we get away with calling it "mother's day?"

probly not much longer......


i was in a 1st grade classroom this week and they were making "favorite person's day" gifts.

i was in another 1st grade classroom this week and they weren't making any kind of gift. because, as the teacher explained, "we don't want to hurt those children who might not have a mother."

i was in a 4th grade classroom this week and the teacher said, "you can make a mother's day gift if you want to. but you don't have to. it's your choice."

i was in a 5th grade classroom this week and the teacher said, "if you don't have a mother or a grandmother or an aunt or a cousin or anyone else who's like a mom to you, then you can make a mother's day card for your dad. or your grandpa. or anybody else you care about. it doesn't matter. it's all the same."



if it's all the same, then why did i want my mom when i was throwing up and my dad when i needed to be thrown up (as in, into the air)?

if it's all the same, why did God even make mothers and fathers in the first place?



i think i hear the ACLU askin' the very same thing.

when your daughter is on bed rest

when your daughter is on bed

rest with triplets,

you think God knows

new math.


you think God knows that two -

plus three -

although it equals five, equals.....

infinity.


you think that God can see for miles and

miles and

miles and

miles farther than the who could see (and look

how far

that

was.)


you think, if God can do cute twins and then trip-

lets,

he can probably do

a double axel and a half-

gaynor not to mention

the Father

Son and

Holy

Spirit.

apparently, i'm in love with pippa middleton

i love pippa middleton. why won't pippa middleton move in next door?

don't get me wrong.....i love kate middleton, too. and james. james middleton is a freakin' cutie pie. (why won't james middleton move in next door?)

i understand why kate won't move in next door - she's gotta have a place for all those horses and all those handmaidens. there's not that much room here.

but pippa? or james? what do they have that they need so much room for? i mean, frankly, pippa middleton's body is so tiny, all she needs is a thimble!

i've got plenty of thimbles around here!



i also love katie holmes. katie holmes and kate middleton kinda look alike, so i must have a thing about slim brunettes who are married to hot men.

or maybe i just have a thing about hot men.

the hot mom contest

there is a local radio station here in town - a talk radio station, to be exact (read: CONSERVATIVE), and they are sponsoring a "hot mom" contest in "honor" of mother's day.

it's official - the world is sick.

or, rather, i am sick. i am sick, sick, sick of the coarsening of life. sick of it.



God did not put moms on this earth to be hot. He put them on this earth to kiss their kids and stroke their foreheads with cold washcloths when they're hot.

He put them on this earth to stop wearing plunging necklines.

He put them on earth to get out of their own freaking skin (pun intended) and to be of service to somebody. (and no........not that kind of service.)

moms are one of the holiest creatures that God ever made - maybe thee holiest (with all due respect to Jesus). they are ho.ly. (or at least, they are meant to be.)

God so elevated women (yes, you women's libbers - dig that).......He so elevated women that he made them the vessel of life.

of life!

(apparently, being the vessel of life is oddly not sufficient for most women today. they would rather be the vessel of, i dunno......... death.)



God so elevated women.


(but 610 WTVN thinks they can elevate better.)