everyone is so smug. i'm smug! i'm probably the smuggest of 'em all!
smug is bad. smug is so bad that it seems like there should have been a commandment against it. which, in fact, there was. is. all ten of 'em.
all ten of the commandments - or even if you're a relativist and you make up your own moral rules - boil down to one thing: don't be smug. don't be a smart ass. don't run around acting like you're all that and a bag of chips. and by the way, saying that you don't think you're all that and a bag of chips doesn't change the fact that, yes, you do.
you're smug. and it's highly unattractive.
i leave you now with, so help me, God, my nose slightly less in the air than before.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
looking forward/not looking forward
- looking forward to a day off tomorrow
- not looking forward to the inauguration tomorrow
- looking forward to the homemade granola, which is baking in my oven right now, to be done
- not looking forward to the little burned pieces around the edges that always happen no matter what
- looking forward to the big arctic blast that's supposed to blast through here today
- not looking forward to the big arctic blast that's supposed to blast through here today but probably won't
- looking forward to channel surfing this afternoon
- not looking forward to channel surfing this afternoon and discovering there's nothing good on
- looking forward to a good book
- not looking forward to a good book that i can't stay awake long enough to read
- looking forward to whatever God sends my way
- no, wait. not looking forward to whatever God sends my way
- yes, wait. looking forward to whatever God sends my way.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
why i'm not on pinterest
SameReasonI'mNotOnTwitterYouReallyThinkIcanSayWhat'sOnMyMindIn140charactersOrLessWellIguessIcanNotCountingTheHashtagWhich,WhatTheHellsAhshtg?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
which monopoly piece to get rid of
first of all, it's a sacrilege to get rid of any monopoly piece. one thing about a monopoly is.......once you have it, you leave it alone.
but parker brothers sees things differently. (probably because the parker brothers are long since dead and the company is now being run by a bunch of yahoos - though, granted, filthy rich yahoos - who probably went to school with mark zuckerberg. ok........so, filthy rich and smart.)
but not smart enough, apparently.
parker brothers, makers of monopoly, is asking THE PEOPLE to vote on which of their 8 iconic monopoly game pieces should get the boot. (well.......i'll tell ya one thing.......not the shoe! - get it? boot? shoe? pay attention!)
(and i'll tell ya another thing - if you have a monopoly, you don't ask THE PEOPLE what they think about it. period.)
anyway.......
so parker brothers wants to know which game piece everybody thinks should go. and at first blush, of course, everybody says the wheelbarrow. because who uses wheelbarrows anymore? besides farmers who are probably too dead tired at the end of the day to even think about monopoly, let alone play it.
but that leads quickly to consideration of eliminating the thimble. because who uses those things anymore?
the next thing that pops into your mind is the little dog. not because you think the little dog should go (on the contrary.......you think the little dog is the last piece to go!), but because by now, you're trying to remember what all those 8 pieces are anyway. and so of course, your favorite one pops immediately into your mind. and of course, everybody's favorite is the dog. (unless you're hyped up on testosterone, in which case it's the race car.)
from the dog, your mind wanders to the other 5 pieces and you try for the life of you to remember what they are. if you're normal, you're able to think of seven of them, but not all eight.( kinda like the seven dwarfs - everybody always leaves one dwarf out.)
so you google "monopoly game pieces" and you have an "a-ha!" moment that not even having somebody land on your broadway that's got a hotel on it and so does park place - which you also own - can match. and you suddenly feel the little bumps of the thimble and the smooth flatness of the hat.
and you remember how you used to wonder to yourself........ how long would it take to iron even just a simple handkerchief - if i used this little, dinky iron?
and then the ship - and the shoe! i loved the shoe!
so then, you line them all up in your mind - the dog, the wheelbarrow, the thimble, the race car, the hat, the ship, the iron, and the shoe - and you realize that none of them can go. none of them! getting rid of one of the monopoly pieces would be like trying to figure out which weapon in the game of "clue" should go.
although, if THE PEOPLE decide that, too, it'd be a slam dunk - the gun.
so, fine. get rid of the gun.
unfortunately, somebody's still gonna die.
but parker brothers sees things differently. (probably because the parker brothers are long since dead and the company is now being run by a bunch of yahoos - though, granted, filthy rich yahoos - who probably went to school with mark zuckerberg. ok........so, filthy rich and smart.)
but not smart enough, apparently.
parker brothers, makers of monopoly, is asking THE PEOPLE to vote on which of their 8 iconic monopoly game pieces should get the boot. (well.......i'll tell ya one thing.......not the shoe! - get it? boot? shoe? pay attention!)
(and i'll tell ya another thing - if you have a monopoly, you don't ask THE PEOPLE what they think about it. period.)
anyway.......
so parker brothers wants to know which game piece everybody thinks should go. and at first blush, of course, everybody says the wheelbarrow. because who uses wheelbarrows anymore? besides farmers who are probably too dead tired at the end of the day to even think about monopoly, let alone play it.
but that leads quickly to consideration of eliminating the thimble. because who uses those things anymore?
the next thing that pops into your mind is the little dog. not because you think the little dog should go (on the contrary.......you think the little dog is the last piece to go!), but because by now, you're trying to remember what all those 8 pieces are anyway. and so of course, your favorite one pops immediately into your mind. and of course, everybody's favorite is the dog. (unless you're hyped up on testosterone, in which case it's the race car.)
from the dog, your mind wanders to the other 5 pieces and you try for the life of you to remember what they are. if you're normal, you're able to think of seven of them, but not all eight.( kinda like the seven dwarfs - everybody always leaves one dwarf out.)
so you google "monopoly game pieces" and you have an "a-ha!" moment that not even having somebody land on your broadway that's got a hotel on it and so does park place - which you also own - can match. and you suddenly feel the little bumps of the thimble and the smooth flatness of the hat.
and you remember how you used to wonder to yourself........ how long would it take to iron even just a simple handkerchief - if i used this little, dinky iron?
and then the ship - and the shoe! i loved the shoe!
so then, you line them all up in your mind - the dog, the wheelbarrow, the thimble, the race car, the hat, the ship, the iron, and the shoe - and you realize that none of them can go. none of them! getting rid of one of the monopoly pieces would be like trying to figure out which weapon in the game of "clue" should go.
although, if THE PEOPLE decide that, too, it'd be a slam dunk - the gun.
so, fine. get rid of the gun.
unfortunately, somebody's still gonna die.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
life is sooooooooooo hard.
kroger was interesting yesterday.
i went, with a mere 15 items on my list, and of those 15, they only had 3. for the other 12, i had to substitute. it was un.real.
first of all, i needed fresh dill, chives, mint, and cilantro. i had a coupon for an organic brand - which kroger had issued - except, turns out, they don't carry that brand. happy frickin' new year to you, too.
so, ok, never mind the stupid coupon - i'll buy another brand. but, noooooooo! they don't have another brand. or, more accurately, they do - but, they're out of it.
so, i tell the produce lady that there's no chives or cilantro or mint or dill in the store and she doesn't much seem to care. i ask if her if she could please look in the back and see if there's any back there, which, after a badly chosen couple seconds of delay, she does. and she comes out with all 4, but none of them in the form that i wanted them. none of them. but, ok, so i'll take it. thank you, lady, for pretty much nothin.
so then i go to the seafood department and ask if they have fresh tilapia and the guy says, "no." and i say, "really???? are you kidding me????" and the guy says, "no."
he says, "we have frozen, that's all," and i say, "well, i don't want frozen, i want fresh," and he says, "i think there might be one package of fresh back in the back," and i say, "well, then......could you please go get it for me!" and he goes in the back and comes back out with this honkin' big package of fresh tilapia, with about 8 fillets in it, and i say, "sir, i only need 1 fillet - 2, tops," and he says, "i can't divide the package up," and i say, "why not," and he says, "just can't."
so, ok, i buy the honkin' big package of fresh tilapia with 8 fillets in it when really, i only need 1.
so then i go to the dairy aisle to buy some plain greek yogurt and all i need is a small size. let's just cut to the chase, shall we? i came home with a honkin' big carton of plain greek yogurt.
i needed smoked almonds in the small size but they were out of 'em in the small size.
i needed plain, frozen, uncooked chicken breasts but all they had were seasoned, frozen, uncooked chicken breasts or plain, frozen, uncooked chicken strips. so i bought the strips. (and when i got 'em home, i cooked one, and it was flavored.)
happy frickin' new year.
i forget what else i tried to buy but couldn't because stupid ass kroger was out of it. all i know is, i came home with only 3 things that were right - some oxi-clean dishwaser booster, some cat food, and a stinkin' thank you card.
(although, i shouldn't say "stinkin." especially since the card is for my lawyer friend, marissa, who gave me a very nice bottle of wine.)
thank you, marissa.
now, go sue kroger.
i went, with a mere 15 items on my list, and of those 15, they only had 3. for the other 12, i had to substitute. it was un.real.
first of all, i needed fresh dill, chives, mint, and cilantro. i had a coupon for an organic brand - which kroger had issued - except, turns out, they don't carry that brand. happy frickin' new year to you, too.
so, ok, never mind the stupid coupon - i'll buy another brand. but, noooooooo! they don't have another brand. or, more accurately, they do - but, they're out of it.
so, i tell the produce lady that there's no chives or cilantro or mint or dill in the store and she doesn't much seem to care. i ask if her if she could please look in the back and see if there's any back there, which, after a badly chosen couple seconds of delay, she does. and she comes out with all 4, but none of them in the form that i wanted them. none of them. but, ok, so i'll take it. thank you, lady, for pretty much nothin.
so then i go to the seafood department and ask if they have fresh tilapia and the guy says, "no." and i say, "really???? are you kidding me????" and the guy says, "no."
he says, "we have frozen, that's all," and i say, "well, i don't want frozen, i want fresh," and he says, "i think there might be one package of fresh back in the back," and i say, "well, then......could you please go get it for me!" and he goes in the back and comes back out with this honkin' big package of fresh tilapia, with about 8 fillets in it, and i say, "sir, i only need 1 fillet - 2, tops," and he says, "i can't divide the package up," and i say, "why not," and he says, "just can't."
so, ok, i buy the honkin' big package of fresh tilapia with 8 fillets in it when really, i only need 1.
so then i go to the dairy aisle to buy some plain greek yogurt and all i need is a small size. let's just cut to the chase, shall we? i came home with a honkin' big carton of plain greek yogurt.
i needed smoked almonds in the small size but they were out of 'em in the small size.
i needed plain, frozen, uncooked chicken breasts but all they had were seasoned, frozen, uncooked chicken breasts or plain, frozen, uncooked chicken strips. so i bought the strips. (and when i got 'em home, i cooked one, and it was flavored.)
happy frickin' new year.
i forget what else i tried to buy but couldn't because stupid ass kroger was out of it. all i know is, i came home with only 3 things that were right - some oxi-clean dishwaser booster, some cat food, and a stinkin' thank you card.
(although, i shouldn't say "stinkin." especially since the card is for my lawyer friend, marissa, who gave me a very nice bottle of wine.)
thank you, marissa.
now, go sue kroger.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
invisible money
money didn't used to be invisible. at least, not as invisible.
when you were a kid, money was frickin' vis.i.ble. you either had a dollar bill and two quarters in your pocket or you didn't. you'd either go to the corner store and buy some bubble gum or you didn't. period. visible. tangible.
these days, you hardly ever see money anymore. the closest anyone ever gets is a thin piece of plastic. and the thing about a thin piece of plastic is, regardless of how much "money" is in it, it's still thin. gone are the days when you could whip out a money clip and flash a fat wad of cash around.
money, these days, is more of an idea than an actual thing. it's just a numeral on a paper statement or a numeral on a computer screen. but it's nothing you can hold in your hand. if your statement says, for example, $50,000, you can't actually touch $50,000. it's not like you're gonna go to the bank and say to the teller, hey lady, go back in that vault of yours and get me my $50,000 - in ones. and it's not like if she actually did that for you that she'd come back out with a bag of bills with your name on it. i mean, it could be anybody's bag of $50,000! how do you know it's yours? whereas, back in the day, if you had a five in your wallet, you knew it was yours. to waste however you wanted.
due to an unusual set of circumstances over the holidays, i happened to actually have some money- some real, unadulterated, make-no-mistake-about-it money - in my purse. i remember opening my wallet and seeing the assortment of paper in there. some crisp, some not, but all of it real money. i was taken aback. i was! i didn't even recognize it at first!
personally, as with just about everything in life, i wouldn't mind if we went back to the old days. and we'd all use more real money and less of the invisible kind. i work too hard to have nothing to show for it.
not that i had anything to show for it back in the old days. :)
when you were a kid, money was frickin' vis.i.ble. you either had a dollar bill and two quarters in your pocket or you didn't. you'd either go to the corner store and buy some bubble gum or you didn't. period. visible. tangible.
these days, you hardly ever see money anymore. the closest anyone ever gets is a thin piece of plastic. and the thing about a thin piece of plastic is, regardless of how much "money" is in it, it's still thin. gone are the days when you could whip out a money clip and flash a fat wad of cash around.
money, these days, is more of an idea than an actual thing. it's just a numeral on a paper statement or a numeral on a computer screen. but it's nothing you can hold in your hand. if your statement says, for example, $50,000, you can't actually touch $50,000. it's not like you're gonna go to the bank and say to the teller, hey lady, go back in that vault of yours and get me my $50,000 - in ones. and it's not like if she actually did that for you that she'd come back out with a bag of bills with your name on it. i mean, it could be anybody's bag of $50,000! how do you know it's yours? whereas, back in the day, if you had a five in your wallet, you knew it was yours. to waste however you wanted.
due to an unusual set of circumstances over the holidays, i happened to actually have some money- some real, unadulterated, make-no-mistake-about-it money - in my purse. i remember opening my wallet and seeing the assortment of paper in there. some crisp, some not, but all of it real money. i was taken aback. i was! i didn't even recognize it at first!
personally, as with just about everything in life, i wouldn't mind if we went back to the old days. and we'd all use more real money and less of the invisible kind. i work too hard to have nothing to show for it.
not that i had anything to show for it back in the old days. :)
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