things that make sense but don't appear to

yesterday, i was driving olivia to gymnastics, with charlie along for the ride, and they were discussing my birthday. for the first time that i know of, they asked questions about what a birthday is, exactly.


olivia: what is your birthday, gram?

me: you mean, when is my birthday?

charlie: no, gram. she means what is your birthday?

me: well.......my birthday......and everybody's birthday is a celebration of the day they were born.

olivia: but you're already born, gram.

me: yes. i'm already born. i was born a long time ago, but we still celebrate it.

charlie: how long ago were you born, gram?

olivia: a looooong time ago, charlie!

charlie: are you old, gram?

me:  well........

charlie: i'm not old, gram. i'm a child.

olivia: and i'm a child, too.

charlie: yeah, and olivia and i already got born.

me: that's right. you are both children and you both already got born.

charlie: the babies already got born, too, gram. they were in mommy's stomach but she wanted them out of there so they got born.

olivia: mommy didn't want the babies out of her stomach, charlie!!

charlie: yes, she did!!

olivia: no, she didn't!! gram.........mommy didn't want the babies out of her stomach, did she?

me: well.....she wanted them in until it was time for them to be born. she wanted them to stay in until they were old enough to be born.

charlie: but the babies aren't old, gram!

me: no, the babies aren't old, but they used to be a little bit old. a little bit too old to still be in your mommy's tummy.


silence..........

silence..........

silence.........


olivia: gram?

me: yes, liv?

olivia: turn on the radio, please.

the lights on the court house. at least, i think it's the court house.

for a clinical social worker, i'm not very observant. 


i live 2 blocks from the court house, so you'd think i'd know the court house when i see it. especially since i have been there umpteen times in my social worker career. not to mention more recently in my personal career. you'd think i'd know the court house when i see it. 

well.....not necessarily........

there's a tall building that i can see from where i live. several tall buildings, actually, but one in particular. i think it's the court house. i should know, but i don't. i'm pretty sure, but i'm not positive. 

what i do know is that this building, which i'm pretty sure is the court house but i'm not one thousand percent sure.......what i do know is that this building has different colored lights around the top of it, depending on the season or an event. for example, in october, the lights are pink, in honor of breast cancer awareness month. in march, they're green (st. paddy's), and at Christmas, they're red and green. 

i always make a point of looking up at this building which i think is the court house but i'm not sure.  i enjoy the colored lights. they're like a beacon in the night, telling me what time of year it is. i think of them as my own personal urban lighthouse.

anyway, ever since thanksgiving, i've been eagerly waiting for the lights to turn from orange to red and green. i like the red and green lights the best of all and i sorta expected them to switch the colors on black friday. not because black friday is red and green, but because black friday is (sadly) the official start of Christmas. but they didn't change the lights on black friday.

not on saturday. not on sunday.

not all this week. i had pretty well decided that they wouldn't change the lights from orange to red and green until december 1st. it just sorta started to make sense to me that that is when they'd do it.

not necessarily.........

this morning, when i took my dog out at the ridiculous hour of 5.15 a.m. (because she didn't get the memo that we changed the clocks a few weeks ago).......when i took her out, i saw that the lights on what i think is the court house but i couldn't swear to it (ha! swear to it? court house? get it?)......when i took her out, i saw that the lights on the maybe court house had turned from orange to red and green. on november 29th. a thursday. an ordinary day that makes no sense why they chose that day to turn the lights from orange to Christmas red and green.


and i have decided to look at it like this: i may not know a court house when i see one....


but i definitely know a birthday gift.

two more things scratched off the list

black friday and the ohio state-michigan game. (and one good thing about being bowl ineligible is that i don't have to wait around to scratch a bowl game  off the list. jim tressel already scratched it off for me.)

(and speaking of jim tressel.......personally, i thought it was unbelievably inappropriate for him to be on the field yesterday and getting such a standing o. quite frankly, i had to do a double-take. i couldn't believe what i was seeing. and all those fans......going crazy......for the man who scratched a bowl game off their list. one thing's for sure......nothing is harder to comprehend than an ohio state football fan.)

i have also scratched one white candle in each window off the list this year. my windows are gonna skip and go naked. whadda i need one white candle in each window for? i have twinkly white lights on my headboard, i have white lights on my tree, and i have white lights on my other tree. 

what i think i might do is, i might wait till january 1st and then, when all the other decorations are taken down, i might put up the one white candle in each window. and keep them up all through the winter. i think it will be nice to come home on a cold, dark january night and see that.

much better than seeing jim tressel.

crossing thanksgiving off the list

until yesterday, i hadn't done THING ONE in preparation for Christmas. not thing one. but, now i have. i have crossed the first thing off my list - thanksgiving.


thanksgiving was a failure in our house yesterday. none of the food cooked. the oven wasn't completely dead - it seemed fairly warm - but after 7 hours, the turkey was only at 150 degrees, wouldn't brown, and the legs wouldn't budge when you tried to jiggle 'em.  the side dishes were cool (temp, not style). the sweet potatoes crunched. 

meanwhile, three babies got tired. and hungry. one baby's bottom flared up with a stinging diaper rash that required a sitz bath. two twins got restless. one twin's digestive tract decided to go haywire.

 the food wouldn't cook.

finally, abby and eli threw in the towel (including the literal one used for the sitz bath) and packed up the whole motely crew, went back home, fed them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and put them down for much needed naps. my parents and i ate partially-cooked thanksgiving dinner. 

we then packed up the remainders of said partially-cooked thanksgiving dinner and schlepped it over to abby and eli's so that they could continue cooking it. abby texted me about 3 hours later and said that the turkey still wasn't done.

is there such a thing as a defective turkey?

just in case there is........


ham for Christmas.

was blind but now i see

i have said this before and nothing i have ever said is truer: i am grateful for the emotional pain that i have been through these past (almost) 3 years. this pain has led me to a right relationship with God and a grasping of His blessed promise that everything - everything - will be o.k.

is o.k.


happy thanksgiving, all.

upscaling your green bean casserole

abby is a big fan of green bean casserole. traditional green bean casserole. and so i was surprised when she suggested that i make upscale green bean casserole for tomorrow's big feast.

upscale green bean casserole includes fresh green beans, not canned ones. it includes zero cream of mushroom soup and lots of fresh crimini mushrooms instead. it features garlic and thyme and butter and more butter and flour and milk and crumbled blue cheese. it's topped with toasted panko bread crumbs and homemade crunchy french fried onions.

it also has.........wine.

just a splash, but still. it's wine.


besides..........not all splashes are the same size.

:)

in search of sorghum syrup

is it possible that i hate whole foods more than i hate kroger? it is not only possible, it is fact. i hate whole foods. whole foods and their snotty, arrogant-ass selves.


i have a recipe for what sounds like a to-die for caramel corn that calls for, among other things, bacon, (yes! bacon!), peanuts, and sorghum syrup. which isn't easy to find. so i call whole foods to see if they have it. here's how that went for me:

me: hello, could you please tell me if you carry sorghum syrup?

snotty, arrogant-ass him: (perturbed sigh) like, hold on.

me: (holding, holding, holding........)

snotty, arrogant-ass him: did they answer?

me: no. no one answered.

snotty, arrogant-ass him:  hold on.

me: (holding, holding, holding........)

snotty, arrogant-ass him:  (irritated) did they answer?

me: no, sir. no one has answered.

snotty, arrogant-ass him: can you like call back in like 15 minutes?

me: um, sir? why do i have to call back in 15 minutes? i just want to know if you carry sorghum syrup.

snotty, arrogant-ass him: (irritated) because like nobody's here right now.

me: (irritated, too) whaddya mean nobody's there?

snotty, arrogant-ass him:  they're all out unloading the truck.

me: excuse me?

snotty, arrogant-ass him: they're like unloading the truck! nobody's in the store.

me: nobody's in the store? what happens if you get a customer?

snotty, arrogant-ass him: (pissed) like, i dont' know. can you like call back?

me: no, sir, i can't like call back. 

snotty, arrogant-ass him: (perturbed sigh) like, what do you like want again?

me: i like want to know if you like have like sorghum syrup.

snotty, arrogant-ass him: what kind of syrup is sorghum syrup?

me:  sorghum like syrup is like sorghum syrup. that's what like kind of syrup it is.

snotty, arrogant-ass him: hold on.

me: (holding about half a second)

snotty, arrogant-ass him: NO. (click)  


like?

NO!

i cleaned the oven for thanksgiving. and other things that make no sense.

just got done self-cleaning the oven, which means i didn't clean it myself. regardless who (what) cleaned it, it is now clean. so that by the end of the day on thursday, it will again not be clean.

(some things in life don't make a whole lotta sense.)


here's another thing in life that doesn't make a whole lotta sense (not that i'm complaining): the ACLU hasn't gotten their hands all over thanksgiving. 

thanksgiving is a national holiday. and it is meant to give thanks........to God. not to your neighbor (though you may be grateful for him. her. rap music at 3:30 a.m. notwithstanding). not to your boss, not to your friends, not to your family. not even to your "higher power." to God. 

and it is a national holiday.

and the ACLU isn't raising hell.


proof right there that there is a God.

(although an oven that cleans itself is pretty good proof, too.)

rap music at 3:30 a.m.

frankly, rap music any time is bad. but it really sucks at 3:30 a.m.

at 3:30 a.m. - even on a saturday night (sunday morning) - most folks are a. sleep. they just are. use your brain.

better yet - use your heart. use your soul. give a rip, for a change, about someone other than yourself.

when it woke me up, it scared me. being woken up at 3:30 a.m. to the stones singing "sympathy for the devil" would not scare me. it might give me surreal flashbacks to my dorm days, but it would not scare me. waking up to rap music scares me.

and then, it pisses me off.

and apparently, being told to turn down your rap music at 3:30 a.m. pisses the player of the rap music off, too. because when the security guard told 'em to turn down the rap music, the rap music player(s) turned it up. up! i couldn't believe it.

so what happened next was, the security guard and the player(s) of the rap music got into a big ole' honkin' argument. at least, i think they did. it was a little hard to tell given the even louder rap music.

about 3:45, things finally quieted down. 

about 4:05, my dog and i finally fell back asleep.

the good news in all of this is that at last, my dog slept until 6:00, which she hasn't done since we changed the clocks back a couple of weeks ago. which means, i slept till 6:00, too!

thank God for rap music.

why on earth would people DO THAT to themselves???

in my line of work we see "cutters" - people who cut themselves not with the intent to die. with the intent to feel better.

yes.

the way they explain it to me and the way that i have come to understand it as being completely sensible (which isn't the same thing as it being a good idea) is that it hurts less to focus on a superficial cut than to focus on whoever it is who beat you up or sexually abused you. 

better to cut your arms with a pair of scissors and get distracted from your real  problem by having to tend to a small trickle of non-lethal blood than to cover your head in heartbreak and not be able to get out of bed.



this morning, i woke up with an eye infection. i mean, i guess it's an eye infection. it's the darndest thing! my eye's  all goopy and stuck together like  often happens when you have an eye infection. and it's red - also like what often happens when you have an eye infection. but my cheek has a pocket of "puffy." it's like, here's my eye and it looks infected and then right under my eye it's fine and then farther down on my face is my cheek and it's all puffed up. the eye thing looks like an infection and the cheek thing looks like.....well.....looks like..... puff! like, you know those machines they use at the eye doctor's office where they blow that puff of whatever it is into your eye to test for something (glaucoma?)? well, my cheek looks like how that glaucoma test machine thingie-do feels. 


in other words, it's better to focus on my eye infection than on my broken heart.

not the boston tea party and not THAT tea party. THIS tea party.

charlie and olivia made a tea party for abby and me yesterday. it was, well........unique.

for starters, we had a lot of food. just a little tea, but a lot of food. we had plastic turkey and plastic bananas and plastic ice cream cones and plastic corn-on-the-cob and plastic pork cutlets (or whatever they were), and plastic pumpkins.

except that we didn't.

we didn't because.......charlie wouldn't let us eat. every time we went to take a "bite," charlie whisked it away and returned to the "kitchen" with it. the food was always too something or not enough something to suit his standards and charlie,  being the perfectionist (not to mention the control freak),  wouldn't allow anyone to eat just any food. it had to be just right. even if it was plastic.

the other odd thing about this tea party was the amount of silverware provided. or, more accurately, the amount of silverware that was provided to me. charlie gave me about 14 forks, 10 spoons, and 8 knives. what he lacked in generosity where the eating of food was concerned, he more than made up for in cutlery.

olivia came dressed to the tea party in a fancy blue dress with a purple tutu. and charlie came dressed as spiderman. over which olivia wanted him to put on a fancy purple dress - and he intended to. (like i said.....odd.)  he just never got around to putting it on, being too busy with trips back and forth to the kitchen. 

as olivia, abby, and i sat there, watching charlie dash back and forth between the table and the kitchen and hoping that pretty soon he'd let us eat, olivia remarked that she was the boss of this tea party. "really," i said. "looks like charlie is the boss to me."

"no," she said, indignantly, "i'm the boss. charlie just thinks he's the boss."


smart girl, liv. smart girl.  :)

thanksgiving? whew!

i totally didn't realize that thanksgiving is next week! are you freaking kidding me!

how i lost track i'm not quite sure. makes me wonder what else i'm missing. 

well, one thing i won't be missing is some good food. as always, i will be giving thanksgiving a bit of a twist. this year, the twist is going to include balsamic roasted sweet potatoes with carmelized onions and upgraded green bean casserole which calls for, among other things, blue cheese. 

so there. 

i may be late, but i'm fashionably late.

the electoral college, explained.

yahoo says this today: "four days later, obama wins florida."


(so why did florida bother to vote?)



look, call me stupid. because i am. after all these years and all these explanations of the electoral college, i still don't get it. don't get it! haven't a clue! (and don't bother explaining it to me again. don't bother! don't get it! haven't a clue!)

the electoral college, i guess, is supposed to even things out. helps the less populated states catch up a little with the more populated states. which is why california has 55 electoral votes and montana has..........4.

(does this make sense to you?)

if i lived in montana, where only two other people live, and i didn't want states like new york and california runnin' roughshod over me, i think i'd give california the 4 electoral votes and i'd take their 55. 

or at least 50/50. how does giving non-populated montana a measly 4 stinkin' electoral votes even the freaking playing field?

and now, clearly, we don't need florida. from here on out, floridians don't get to vote. wiped off the map as far as presidential elections are concerned. bye, bye, florida, it's been nice knowin' ya.


now, give your 29 to montana.

it's that time of year

a lot of things happen this time of year - most of 'em good.


you've  got your election out of the way which, this year, ok, talk about your exception to the good rule. but other than that, this time of year is nice.

it's nice because the weather isn't hot. that's probably the biggest reason of all that this time of year is nice. it's also nice because the birth of the Saviour is right around the corner, but - truth be told? the weather not being hot is just about as good as the birth of  Christ. i mean, sorry, but it's true.

it's also nice because everything is in the expectant mode and nothing is in the it's-all-over-so-now-back-to-the-grind mode. the holidays are coming - they're close - but they aren't quite here yet. which means, you have the luxury of thinking how nice and stress-free and non-breaking-of-the-bank they're gonna be this year. everything is still exciting. everything is still fun. 

in other words, you're in denial. which is nice.
.
this time of year, the mashed potatoes aren't lumpy yet. the turkey's still moist.

the lights aren't all tangled up. in your mind's eye, you see them shining perfectly.  none of them are burned out.

black friday hasn't hit yet, so you're still asleep at 2 in the morning.

ohio state hasn't played michigan yet, so you're still sober at 2 in the morning.

stifle, edith!

the message has been un.mis.tak.a.ble. - shut. the. hell. up.


beginning yesterday morning, posts all over my facebook have had the same message. some direct, some a bit more subtle, but all the same message - "i don't wanna hear one word about how you're upset that obama won. not one word."

look, i don't plan on bitching about it forever. frankly, i only planned on bitching about it - at least publically - for one day. one day! yesterday! for one lousy, stinkin' day, i wanted to be able to vent my feelings. was that asking too much? apparently so. and ironically, because so many people made it clear that they wanted all us republicans to move on already (in less than 24 hours,  mind you. in less than practically 12 hours!).....because so many people made that clear, the irony is, i am bitching about it into today. which, i swear to you, was not my original plan. it was not. i wanted one day to be unhappy and then i was gonna move on. but nobody would allow me to feel what i felt.

i just want you to know that i would never do that to you. i would never tell you to hurry up, quick, quick, quick, get over something that is traumatic to you. i would not.

i am soooooooooooo disappointed. 

and, least of all, in the election results.

on being conservative. when you're a social worker. on election day.

it's not easy being conservative when you're a social worker. it's even worse on election day. especially on this election day.

i am probably the only social worker in this place who voted for romney. it almost makes me feel like i shoulda worn a bag over my head or somethin.

when you're a social worker, people just assume that you're liberal. and it's not such a crazy assumption. seein' as how about  99% of social workers are liberal. and to assume it is one thing. to expect it is quite another. and to not like you if you're not is horrible.

and it's dangerous. and it's not fair.

and it runs counter to what liberals say they are - tolerant of everybody.

right.

(pun!)

4 years

in most jobs, 4 years isn't much.

the standard rule of thumb is that it takes 1 year just to learn the basic ropes of a new job. it takes a second year to refine it and another year or so to really hit your stride. and in most jobs, you're not expected to have accomplished all (or even most) of your career goals in that amount of time. you have a whole career ahead of you to do that.

but not in the presidency.

4 years is 1 year longer than it takes to go through law school. and by the time you get out of law school, you have no idea how to be a lawyer.

it takes 4 years of medical school, plus another 3 or 4 or 5 or 8, to become a doctor. not to become a good doctor, mind you. just to get the degree.

i have a friend who recently took a job with the united states air force. she will be in orientation for 3 months. orientation! 3 months!  and then.....get this.....she will be in training for.....get this......3 years! 

you read that right.

(and, last time i looked, the united states air force is part of the same government that the presidency is. but the president's only got 4 years to nail it).

only 4 years to fix what's wrong with the world. while most of the rest of us get a year or two or three just to get our feet wet - in our regular joe jobs that the whole rest of the world isn't depending upon.

so, no. it doesn't seem fair that the leader of the greatest free nation on the planet, who inherits crap and crap and crap from his/her predecessor (who inherited it from his/her predecesssor), should be expected to have it done within 4 years.

but that's what's expected. that's the constitution. that's how we roll in this country.

and if the president can't roll with it, too, then the president has to, well......

roll.

(even he said so.)

i believe i am quoting God when i say, "media schmedia!"

george orwell said that "journalism is printing what someone else does not what printed. everything else is public relations." 

well, we certainly do have a lot of public relations!

with very little exception, i don't trust any news source. practically none of them. and it sorta blows my mind that any of you do. i really don't know how you can.

and yet, so many of you don't trust God. 

which, i guess, on second thought, makes sense. since God certainly "printed" a lot of stuff that someone else didn't want to hear.

it's official. the holidays are here.

they're here. and you aren't gonna hear me complain' about it. the only thing you're gonna hear me complain' about is everybody complainin' about it.

look, what's the difference between stores putting out their Christmas stuff in october and you griping about stores putting out their Christmas stuff in october? both are a buzz kill. 

if you don't like stores putting out their Christmas stuff in october, don't go to stores. or, go to stores and don't look. it's not easy, but it can be done.......i've done it! i went to kohl's in september and they had their trim-a-tree shop up and runnin. complete with Christmas music. i shut my eyes, stuck my fingers in my ears, and moved on. saved me a lot of money!

just because something is everywhere doesn't mean you have to do it. remember what your mom said about that bridge and you jumping off it if all your friends jumped off it, too? applies just as much to Christmas. why you think that somebody celebrating something in october has to ruin your october is beyond me. with thinking like that, everyday would be ruined for you. because everyday somebody is doing something you don't like.

so, please. enough already about everybody rushing the holidays. they've rushed 'em before, they'll rush 'em again. and besides.....tell the truth.....come Christmas Day, do you really like your gorgeous new cashmere sweater any less because you saw it on a mannequin in october?