the lazy selfishness of being "spiritual"

if you're "spiritual," you're lazy. and selfish. which is what i, as a religious person, am, too. except at least i admit it.


if you're quote unquote spiritual, you get to set all the rules. (and, by the way, if you're a "good" spiritualist, you basically don't set any. besides the "if-i-feel-like-it-i-will-and-if-i-don't-i-won't" rule.)

if you're quote unquote spiritual, you don't have to bother studying Scripture. you don't have to bother trying to figure out what Scripture means. you don't have to spend any money buying Scripture in the first place.

if you're quote unquote spiritual, you get to sleep in on sunday morning.

you get to "commune with nature" on a golf course and when you sink a hole in one you don't feel the slightest bit of shame about exclaiming, "thank you, Lord!"

you get to run around feeling vastly superior to those of us who are religious.


and that, my friends, is why i love Jesus. 

AND religion. 


(AND, by the way.......you.)

a little bit showing

at church today, all of the statues and the crucifixes and everything like that were covered in beautiful purple silks, as a way of symbolizing that the church has, in a certain sense, gone into "hiding," in anticipation of passion week.

but i noticed that one of the life-size alabaster angels that flanks the altar had a little bit of cloth that had slipped down and so you could see a tiny speck of white under the purple cloth. 

it made me happy.

it made me happy because angels are always bearing news of great joy. they are always heralding the next big thing with loud shouts and trumpets. and, as i think the slipped cloth shows, they are eager about doing it. so eager, in fact, that one of 'em couldn't quite keep his mouth entirely shut and so, a bit of the "secret" leaked out from under the purple.



in other words, everything's gonna be alright, folks.


everything's gonna be alright.

stormy weather

i used to have a boss who sang that song every day. regardless of what the weather was doing outside, larry sang "stormy weather" inside.

actually, he didn't really sing the song. he just sang two words of it- stormy weather - over and over. and over.

sometimes it was annoying but mostly, it was endearing. it was just so larry.

we'd all be sitting at our desks, on the phone or on the computer or, usually, not on anything.......just shootin' the breeze......and from back in the back, where larry's office was, we'd suddenly hear this booming "stooooormmmyyyy weather!!!" it wouldn't have made sense anywhere else, but there, it did.

sometimes he'd return from lunch, stroll through the front office, and sing out. it was always just those two words......"stormy weather."

nobody ever asked him why he only sang just those two words or why he never ever sang any other song besides that one. but we wondered. and we theorized. the theories ranged from that's the only musical chord he knows how to sing half-way decently to maybe he likes bad weather to maybe he fell in love for the first time on a stormy day. or night.

whatever the reason, i liked it. we all liked it.


and on stormy days like today........i like to think that we're all singing it,


too.

what the heck is so wrong about the word "foreign?"

good grief.


the word "foreign" is on the no-fly list which, right there, is ab-surd because how can you visit a foreign country if you can't fly to it?

the reason the word "foreign" is no longer A-O.K. is the same reason that everything is no longer A-O.K...........somebody got "offended."

the reason somebody got offended is because a.) somebody has too much time on his hands and b.) somebody doesn't understand the definition of the word "foreign."

the word "foreign" means another country other than the one under consideration. in other words, back before the world lost its mind, if you were an american and you needed a "foreign" language credit to get into college, you took french. well, now you have to take "the language of the country, france, which is other than the one under consideration, i.e. the united states." because if you don't, somebody's gonna get offended.


and it might be the germans. because why are you, little miss prissy from the high and mighty united states, taking the language of the country, france, which is other than the one under consideration, i.e. the united states, instead of taking the language of the country, germany, which would also be other than the one under consideration, i.e. the united states? because france gets all the glory, that's why.


but anyway. i was reminded of the ban on the word "foreign" when i had lunch yesterday at a turkish restaurant and everyone in there, except for abby, eli, my parents, the twins, the triplets, and me was, ahem, "foreign."


the table behind us was some sort of asian which, i know, how insensitive of me to refer to them as "some sort of asian."


the table behind us on the other side was some sort of scandinavian. i know, i know.


a coupla tables away were some folks who appeared to be and sounded to be mexican.


and our waitress was russian.


and would. you. be.- lieve.........not a single one of them........not a one!.........remarked about all the kids we were schlepping around with us. everyone..........no matter where we go........oohs and ahhs over the triplets and then when they find out that these two right here are twins, they just about pass out. but none of these folks did. none of these folks from countries other than the one under consideration even batted an eye. they were all so wrapped up in their own little conversations in their own little languages other than the one under consideration that they couldn't even bother to say hello.


or hola.


or whatever the hell it is that foreigners say.

paying to die

the federal HHS mandate, which requires employers to offer insurance plans that cover contraceptives and abortifacients, regardless of the employer's moral and/or or religious views, is outrageous, not to mention unconstitutional. it is also indicative of how screwed up we are........it doesn't require employers to offer insurance plans that cover fertility treatment. apparently we like killing life but not creating it.

a washington (state) couple was awarded 3 million dollars this week....they sued the wife's ob/gyn for screwing up prenatal tests which showed that the fetus the wife was carrying did not have down syndrome but when the baby was born (4 years ago now), it turned out that she did have down syndrome. and the couple said they would have aborted the baby had they known she had down syndrome.  


wow. how would you like to be that 4-year old girl?

can't hurry love / CAN hurry time

there are two things - time and spring - that i would never want to hurry, but at 2:00 a.m. this morning, we hurried both.

welcome to daylight savings time.

i am unlike just about everybody else on the planet in many ways, including the fact that i don't like spring. summer is my least favorite season and spring is my second least. i don't like spring for several reasons. here's why:

spring means summer is on deck. boo, summer!

i don't like hearing birds singing in the morning. i never have. it depresses me. i like to hear birds in the afternoon and in the evening but if it were up to me, i would outlaw birds in the morning. out. law.

spring = allergies. the worst part about allergies is when it itches in between your throat and your ears and you can't scratch it. although i have discovered that if you stick a pretzel rod back there and move it around, it helps.

spring = allergies and although pretzel rods help, they don't help enough.

no matter how you're dressed, it's wrong. you're either too hot or you're too cold and you can stop talking to me about layers. layers make me look fat.

spring means peeps and i hate peeps. i am not fond of Easter basket grass, either.

despite the fact that i do not like spring, it does have one gigundous advantage.......rain. i love bad weather.

i don't want to hurry time and i don't want to hurry spring. i would, however, love to hurry rain. actually........what i'd really love to hurry is snow.

we turn back the clocks on november 4th.

please hurry, november 4th.

where the deer and the antelope way

i am thinking about moving and so i will be looking at a place on "antelope way" this morning.

early in our marriage, david and i lived on "wild turkey drive," so i guess it's fitting to move on to the antelope.



in order, here are the names of all of the places i have lived, not counting when i was in college or graduate school:

• holland circle
• rockford drive
• empire street
• wild turkey drive
• spring drive
• i forget the name of it
• wilshire village court
• snohomish avenue
• arrington lane
• i forget the name of it
• kensington drive
• i forget the name of it
• normanton drive
• misty cove lane
• i forget the name of it
• nailor way
• liberty street

and so, in conclusion, you can clearly see that i have not lived in enough places in my lifetime and so it is time to live in yet one more. 


just so long it's antelope WAY and not where the antelope PLAY.

when life gives you raindrops, make lemon drops.

i go to the roughest neighborhoods in town as part of my job. which is one of the reasons i love my job. (if anybody ever offers me a job on fifth avenue with a corner office, i'll tell 'em to take a flying leap.)

i love the roughest parts of town. or, more precisely, i love the people in them. i can't always explain why. this morning, i could.


i drove by a duplex whose one half was boarded up and the other half should have been. the neighborhood was dirty, broken down, full of drug dealers, prostitutes and little boys whose mothers have disappointed and bewildered them by choosing a place like this to live.

one little boy, who looked to be about kindergarten age, stood outside the half of the double that should have been boarded up but wasn't and he waited for his school bus in the cold rain. 

he should have been crying, but he wasn't. he was smiling. well, as much as you can smile with your  mouth open wide, head tipped back, catching raindrops on your tongue.


i think this little boy is destined for great things.

what makes no sense

what makes no sense is getting out of your car and putting on your heavy winter coat as you walk to wherever it is you are going and by the time you finally get it on, you're there.

i am sitting by the window at einstein's bagels and so far, i have seen 3 people do this. 2 of them were on their way into einstein's.

the thin bagels at einstein's don't cost less than the regular-sized ones.

ordering a large coffee at einstein's when the refills are free.

calling this place "einstein's."

sandwich

i would like to be the sky so when a jumbo jet

tore through me i wouldn't

break.


or the ground that people walk all over but it's still there

tomorrow.


but i am not the sky and i am not

the ground.

i am the middle part in be-


tween, the part where


the sky halos my head and the ground


softens my


feet.




i am in the middle part.




where God is,




too.
 

first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and next

first - i spill wine on my laptop.

second - my laptop blows up. literally. ka-pow!

third - i try to un-ka-pow my laptop.

fourth - i try to un-ka-pow my laptop.

fifth - i try to un-ka-pow my laptop.

sixth - i call eli and ask him if there is anything i can do to un-ka-pow my laptop. he says likely not.

seventh - i tell myself, don't cry. don't cry. i tell myself don't cry.

eighth - i  don't cry.

ninth - i cry.

tenth - i call abby and ask her if there is anything she can do and she says yes, i can have her notebook until i buy a new computer.

eleventh - i say, notebook? as in paper and pen? as in spiral?

twelfth - she says, no. as in, you hate computers, mom.

thirteenth - i say, ok. thanks i'll come and get it tomorrow.

fourteenth- i come and get it tomorrow.

fifteenth- i come home and it won't connect to the internet.

sixteenth - i try this, i try that, i try this again, i try another that, i try another this. it won't connect to the internet.

seventeenth - i check the modem to see if it has red wine on it.

eighteenth - it does not have red wine on it. modem is a-ok, not ka-pow.

nineteenth -  i call eli to see if he knows what i can try to connect to the internet. eli says i know more about computers than i think i do because everything i have tried is what he would try. eli says to call tech support.

twentieth - i throw up. i mean, literally. (not literally.) who in their right mind wants to call tech support?

twenty-first  - i call tech support.

twenty-second - i can. not. under. stand. this. chick's. accent. i'm. sorry. i can. not. i. try. for. about. twenty. minutes. to. understand. this. chick's. accent. and. i. can. not. i. finally. say. to. this. chick., chick? (i don't really say chick)........i say, chick? i am so, so sorry and believe me, your accent is lovely, but i simply cannot understand you. i am so, so sorry. believe me. it's not you, it's me. i couldn't be sorrier. i am so, so sorry. truly sorry. sorry beyond belief.. its me, not you. sorry, sorry, sorry. and she says, lady? shut up. it's ok. i'll get somebody else to help you. (actually, she didn't say, lady? shut up. or maybe she did. i could. not. understand a word. this chick said.)

twenty-third - i get somebody else. the somebody else i get sounds like he sells used cars on the side. boy, does he have a deal for me.

twenty-fourth - 2 hours later, i still don't have internet connectivity, but he swears i will on friday (yesterday). i told you he was a used car salesman.

twenty-fifth - do i really have to tell you what the twenty-fifth is? really?

twenty-sixth - i call tech support. i didn't even vomit! i just did it! (i cried, though.)

twenty-seventh  - after 3 hours on the phone with a chick without an accent (God be praised), i have internet connectivity.

twenty-eighth - at the end of the 3 hours, i ask this chick without an accent (God be praised), i say, what was the problem in the first place? was my loss of internet ability connected to the wine i spilled on my laptop or was it just coincidental that it happened at the same time?

twenty-ninth - just coincidental, she says.

thirtieth - really, i say.

thirty-first - i don't know, she says.

thirty-second - i will not drink wine near my computer.(abby's notebook.)

thirty-third - i will not drink wine near my computer.(abby's notebook.)

thirty-fourth - i will not drink wine near my computer. (abby's notebook.)

thirty-fifth - does coffee count?