Pages

Sunday, December 29, 2013

bread and letters

i love bread.


if you're gonna have a peanut butter sandwich, it's gotta be on "not good" bread, i.e. squishy white. the cheaper, the better (goes for the peanut butter, too.......love cheap peanut butter!).

other things that are cheap but also wonderful:


  • government-issued cheese (believe me.)
  • petroleum jelly (your lips will thank you. you'll thank his or her lips!)
  • bic lighters (to this day, i cannot go to a concert without one.)
  • stamps

which brings me to letters. what does it say, really, about a civilization that is too busy to write a text message without abbreviations much less one that doesn't have the time (or the ability anymore) to write another human being a. letter.?

what it says is, sure, "good" bread is good.

but cheap bread sticks to your ribs.

heart.



Saturday, December 28, 2013

counting on eating!

i have resolved, just sorta for the heck of it, to eat one meal everyday next year that Jesus might have eaten. in researching what foods those might have been (and there is quite a bit of disagreement about that), i have settled on the following as my things from which to choose:

apples
almonds
dates
figs
grapes
melons
olives
pistachios
pomegranates
raisins

beans
cucumbers
gourds
leeks
lentils
onions

fish
calf
goat
lamb
oxen
sheep
venison
dove
pigeon
quail
grouse

bread
corn
barley

butter
cheese
curds
milk
eggs

coriander
cinnamon
cumin
dill
garlic
mint
mustard
salt

wine
grape juice
honey
olive oil
vinegar


taking away those things on the list that i don't like or have no intention of finding out if i do or i don't , i.e. - 

apples
figs
melons
pomegranates
cucumbers
goat
lamb
oxen
sheep
venison
dove
pigeon
quail
grouse
mint
curds
eggs

i am left with 26 foods, beverages, liquids, and seasonings with which to concoct one meal a day.

adding lamb back on the list ( which, if you hold a gun to my head, i can manage to choke down lamb chops) we're back up to 27. 

27 things/365 days = 13.51851851851882.



maybe this resolution is gonna have to go. 

cuz i also resolved to give up math.




Friday, December 27, 2013

of COURSE Christmas doesn't make sense!

first of all, nobody ever knew what a round yon virgin was. hell, we barely knew what a virgin was.

"cloven skies" weren't any clearer.

what did a blooming rose have to do with anything? and who was jesse?



on the secular side, none of us had ever ridden in a one-horse open sleigh. much less knew how much fun it was.

very few chestnuts, roasted or otherwise, were ever in sight.

and we never quite understood how a snowman could be parse and brown.



we don't have to understand it. we're not even supposed to understand it. if we understood it, that would be science (well, it would be science for those of you who understand science).

the point is, understanding it, while nice and certainly self-satisfying, isn't the point. that's the point.



step out of your own damned head. 



now you're gettin' it.




Thursday, December 26, 2013

december 26th

see, Christmas isn't over......Christmas is just starting.

yesterday was the first day of Christmas. today, follow along now, is the second. thaaaaaat's right......tomorrow will be the third.


we do Christmas backwards. we say it starts the day after thanksgiving (if not sooner) and for many, it ends today (check the curb if you don't believe me). holy cow, people, give the wise men a chance to get there, will ya?

technically, the tree shouldn't have gone up until, well, until today. yesterday afternoon or evening at the earliest. and it should stay up at least until epiphany. don't know what epiphany is? look it up.

the baking commences now. the parties commence now. "black friday" is now.

instead of walking into the grocery store and finding the seasonal aisle being stripped of all things Christmas - to make way for all things valentine - the Christmas stuff should just be arriving. because, um......Jesus just arrived.


today, if i can find 'em (and i won't be able to), ima get me a coupla turtle doves (not sure what i'll do with 'em once i get 'em..... but ima try to get 'em). and tomorrow, dinner will be three french hens. or, more likely, one american chicken.


i'll confess.......the eight maids a-milking part kinda has me freaked out.


:)






Wednesday, December 25, 2013

scenes from a Christmas morning


he did????? santa came????? ohmyGOSH!!!!!

now, don, that's not how it happened. yes, it IS, donna! this is my story......and i know how it happened!

oh, it doesn't even matter if i already have one....this one is so much better than the one i already have!

oh, sure, what the heck.....it's Christmas!

(said under one's breath): what was i thinking when i bought all this stuff?????

it's not much - just something i threw together.

well, it looks great. just great.

well......it's not much.

the trash guys sure are gonna have their work cut out for 'em.

does this thing need batteries? crap!

ohmygosh, this is the coolest thing ever!

are you sure? cuz if you don't like it, that's ok. it's no problem if you don't like it. i have the receipt....you can take it back.

take it back???? are you crazy???? i love it!

well, only if you're sure. but if you decide you'd rather have something else, i totally understand. no worries.

oh, i won't decide i want something else! i want this! i love this! this is soooooo awesome!

isn't there anything else for me? where's mine?

you've already gotten plenty, sweetie! look how much you have! why don't you play with some of your new stuff?

wow, this is crazy. i'm sure glad i don't live here and have to clean up all this stuff!

you always get just the right thing, you know that? just the right thing.  :)

oh, i was hoping i'd get this!!!! i didn't think you'd get it!!!! thank you!!!! thank you!!!!! i love it!!!!

(under your breath to yourself): read the whole card before you look at how much the check is.


this has been a wonderful Christmas! thank you so much, everyone!


(under your breath to yourself): 

next year, we're gonna cut back.


:)









Tuesday, December 24, 2013

who voted for all this damned snow?!!

of all the things i don't understand, what i don't understand the most is how you cannot like snow on Christmas. i understand obamacare better than i understand not liking snow on Christmas. hell, i understand obama better!

i know you probably don't want me to, but i feel sorry for all you folks down south. and for those of you who are actually on beaches at Christmas, well, i literally grieve for you. i grieve! i grieve so bad that i can't go outside lest my bleeding heart messes up my snow!

i also don't get why you hate fruitcake so much, but that's easier to comprehend than not liking snow at Christmas. not liking snow at Christmas is, research shows, thee most incomprehensible thing on earth.

not liking to wrap gifts? ok. i get that. i don't agree with it - but i get it. 

having ham for Christmas instead of turkey - even though the song specifically says that everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright? i don't get it, but i get it better than not wanting it to snow.


personally, i think you gotta be more than just a little certified in the head not to want it to snow on Christmas.


tell the truth.......you voted for obama, too, didn't ya.


:)






Saturday, December 21, 2013

that's what Christmas is all about, charlie brown.

i have written before about those of you who celebrate the secular side of Christmas only. news flash: there is no secular side.


it's hard to point that out without insulting you. and i don't want to insult you. but i do want you to take a minute and look at the word "Christmas" and tell me why it isn't called "secularmas" instead.


i don't celebrate hannukah. because i am not jewish. i don't celebrate ramadan. because i am not muslim. i celebrate Christmas because i am Christian. see how that works?


i don't want to insult you but neither do i want you to insult me.


see how that works?





Thursday, December 19, 2013

the smell of Christmas?

macy's and other retailers have long sold a line of potpourri, sprays, and candles called "the smell of Christmas." if you've never experienced "the smell of Christmas," you've missed out on a fabulous thing.

if you've never experienced the smell of the first Christmas, you're missing out on even more.


the first Christmas did not smell like cinnamon. it smelled like dung. 

the first Christmas did not smell like cinnamon because the first Christmas did not take place in a kitchen with a double oven, an island, stainless steel appliances, and a tile backsplash imported from italy.

the first Christmas took place in a bathroom. an outdoor bathroom for beasts. the worst kind of bathroom, quite frankly. there may have been a star overhead, but there were no cute hand towels hanging on the towel bar with cute little embroidered stars on 'em.

if there was a midwife, we don't know about her. so......picture that. a bathroom for beasts and a mother giving birth in the dirt. somebody cut the cord. picture that



no. the first Christmas surely didn't smell like "the smell of Christmas." and yet........it could have. why didn't it?

why didn't God choose to be born in a palace? or, at least, in a hospital

if what passed as a "hospital" over 2,000 years ago was still too fancy for God, then why not the inn? why wasn't there any room there? there could have been. God could have willed it so. why didn't He?


i think that of all the modern aspects that we have managed to pile on over the years onto the celebration of Christmas and of all the deviations in our brains from what really happened, how it must have smelled is the one thing above all that we are divorced from. we trick ourselves into thinking that the stable had clean, warm hay and that the animals had politely done their business somewhere out in the field. and that none of them were kicking up too much dirt or making too much noise. they were just standing there with big, brown eyes, looking on, in adoration.

we completely ignore the reality of what that scene must have really looked like, felt like, and smelled like. we put out little nativity scenes on our bookshelves and run straight for the egg nog.

but i think it's probably important to stop and think about how gross the whole thing must have been. and to think about how it didn't have to be that way. but it was. 

and to think that only a few people in the whole history of the world (myself definitely not one of them but mother teresa and pope francis for sure)seem really to have grasped what the message of all that indignity is.....

that we are to stoop down. we are to lower ourselves, just as Christ lowered Himself. that writing a check to charity isn't enough. writing a check to charity is like giving birth in the hospital, not in the poop.

that we are to get rid of our stuff and give it to someone who doesn't have any hay. clean or otherwise. 

that if God did it, he wants us to do it. how. much. clearer. could. He. have. been


as much as i love "the smell of Christmas," i need the smell of Christmas more.


so do you.







Saturday, December 14, 2013

personally, i don't think there's such a thing as an ugly Christmas sweater.


there's nothing about Christmas that i don't like. even the things about it that i don't like, i like!


1. commercialism - it's only commercial if you make it commercial. nobody can make you make Christmas commercial. didn't your mother ever tell you that just because everybody else is jumping off a bridge doesn't mean you have to jump off a bridge, too?

2. bad Christmas music - i haven't heard this song in a long time and granted, the message was kinda pathetic, but even john denver's "please, daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas" had a great beat. you could dance to it! (provided you weren't drunk.)

3. the crowds - i actually relish the crowds! it means people are still out there - alive! - and, in most cases, focused on somebody else. what i love to do is, i love to go to the busiest mall in town on Christmas Eve afternoon and just sit there, smug as all get out because i have had my shopping done - and wrapped - since like forever, and just watch the people scramble around to get everything crossed off their list and finally make it home before dark. i just sorta sit there, sipping my hot chocolate in bliss and think, you silly people you, what part of "Christmas comes this time every year" eludes you?

4. tacky decorations - i like to think that i have pretty good taste and so this one - this one - really puts me to the test, but even i have learned to appreciate the, if not beauty, then at least the, well, the effort it took you to throw this low-class thing you call a centerpiece together.

(that reminds me of a true story that happened to my friend, linda, one year. at the company Christmas party - at the non-profit, social service agency Christmas party - she won an ugly wreath in the raffle. linda said the thing was so sorry that on the way home, her husband said, 

"honey, that thing is a definite 480."

linda: "a 480? what's a 480?"

husband: "you open all 4 windows and i drive 80 and maybe that sucker'll fly outa here.")



well, it didn't. because linda made sure it didn't. because linda is one of those people who can find something beautiful in everyone and everything.

except for ugly Christmas sweaters. linda wouldn't be caught dead in an ugly Christmas sweater.


thank God for linda.







Wednesday, December 11, 2013

does anybody really know what time it is? my boss does!

glass half-full: my employer honored my colleague's 20 years of service by giving her a clock.

glass half-empty: my employer honored my colleague's 15 years of service by giving her the same clock.



so......she's got two clocks that are the same.....and she got the second clock almost 4 months after the anniversary of her 20th year of service. glass half-empty.


glass half-full: the 20-year clock (which is the same as the 15-year clock) caused my colleague to look back over her life. and cry a little. and be grateful.


glass half-empty?


no.


glass half-full?


no.




glass full?




yes.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

george jetson gets a job at amazon.

have you heard? amazon is testing the idea of having drones deliver packages right to your door. within 30 minutes of your ordering them! can you say, "star. trek?"


according to reports (nope, sorry - don't have the link(s). look it up your own lazy self!).......according to reports, amazon's most aggressive timetable for being able to do this is in 2015, with more realistic ones putting it in the 5-years-from-now zone. 

wow.


i don't know about you, but i'm havin' trouble seein' how this is gonna work in new york city. a cornfield in iowa? ok. that makes some sense. (as much sense as a scarecrow in a cornfield in iowa ordering something from old navy makes sense, that is. although......a scarecrow ordering something from plow and hearth probably does make sense. a whole lotta sense, in fact.)

but, my thing is, why do i need something 30 minutes from now? and if i do need something 30 minutes from now, i shoulda planned better!

my other thing is.....drones???? really???? and linus was sarcastic when he said that a pink, aluminum Christmas "tree" really brought the spirit of the holiday home.

sheesh.



do i want to live in a world where a gunmetal gray thingamajig in the sky brings my stuff to me? no, i do not. it's impersonal as hell, scary, and besides,i don't fit the part of a jane jetson.


my waist has never been that small.



Saturday, December 7, 2013

don't be a scrooge.....scrooge isn't in the Bible!

have you ever met (or heard of) anyone who renounced Christ once he learned that santa claus isn't real?

neither have i.


(people who renounce Christ don't need any help from santa claus to do it.)



i got into a heated debate the other day about whether or not santa should be a part of Christmas. and the overwhelming opinion was no. but not (just) for the usual reason that one often hears against santa, i.e. that it is a lie and we shouldn't tell children lies. no, the overwhelming opinion in the conversation i was having is that santa shouldn't be a part of Christmas because a.) santa isn't in the Bible and b.) if we lie to people about santa, what's to stop them from thinking we're lying to them about Christ?

on the face of it, perhaps, there's some logic in that argument. but on the non-face of it.......that's the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard!

ok, so it's not ridiculous that santa isn't in the Bible because, DUH, santa isn't in the Bible. neither are cookies or wreaths or trees or nat king cole CDs or snow or green or red or ugly Christmas sweaters or hot buttered rum. so......next time you wanna get your panties in a bunch about santa not being in the Bible, you better take that candy cane outa your mouth first. 

furthermore: as i remarked in an earlier post, http://nancyrankin.blogspot.com/2013/11/what-church-does-santa-claus-go-to.html, santa claus is about as close to living out Christ's teachings as you can get. who else do you know who spends his 100% entire life in service to others? well, besides the clergy. and some of them fall pretty far off the mark (that's a topic for another day)......

santa spends the whole year focused on making children happy. pretty sure Christ said let the little children come to Him.

santa gives up his own Christmas eve so he can make children happy. pretty sure a lot of Godly parents will be assembling toys at 2 a.m. on december 25th.

santa tells the children on his lap - the ones who are sad and full of despair and sorrow - to have hope. to remember that Christmas is a time of miracles. that Christmas itself is a miracle.

pretty sure Christ and miracles have something in common.

the only thing santa does that Christ probably doesn't want him to do is eat too much. in the scheme of things.......


so, no. i do not have a problem with santa. santa is nothing more than love. that's all he is. love!


pretty sure Christ and love have something in common.





Monday, December 2, 2013

merry Christmas, sodium chloride!

one part of the holiday/winter season that routinely gets under-appreciated is salt. salt on the ice. salt on the ice on the sidewalk. HALLELUJAH for salt on the ice on the sidewalk!

hallelujah, too, for, well, salt. i have approximately 55 dried herbs and spices in my pantry but the seasoning i use the most - by far - is salt. i use salt every day. i do not use spanish smoked paprika every day. the fennel's been sittin' there for awhile, too.

not only do i use salt every day, i use it a lot every day. ever put salt on vanilla ice cream? that, plus a little splash of balsamic vinegar........WOWZA! try it! true story!

but, back to the whole thing about salt on the sidewalk........



salt on the sidewalk keeps us upright and therefore, alive. and in return, what do we do? we stomp all over it.

can't help but draw a parallel to Christ on that.