food. it's what's for dinner.

i am not on the non-GMO bandwagon. i am not on the organic one.

i don't  really care, apart from economics, if it was grown locally or not.

if you're gluten-sensitive, fine. but i'm not.

i buy stuff from walmart.

i no longer think stacking food vertically on a plate is cool.

white bread still makes the best toast.

a regular burger is fine.

i would like to live in west virginia and just eat ham.

when this last bottle of balsamic vinegar is gone, i will not be replacing it.

if you want to do a juice fast, fine. but i don't.

i don't hate monsanto.

bacon and eggs will not kill me. and if they do, fine. something has to.

pizza is supposed to be bad for you.

i would like to live in kentucky and just eat ham.

the expiration dates don't get my panties in a bunch.

red eye gravy is the most under-appreciated food in the world.

cook like your grandma cooked.

white rice. thank you.

enough with the sweet potato fries thing.

eat your next tomato like an apple. at the sink.

catfish, slaw, and hush puppies.

the blue plate special is special.

meatloaf.

think huck finn, tom sawyer, and sheriff andy taylor.

i would like to live in alabama and just eat ham.




while you're at it, teach your kids (you shouldn't even have to) how to play cowboys and indians, too.

bruno mars hates hot weather, too.

it's no secret that i am not a fan of hot/humid weather. understatement of the year.

however, i know that people don't want to hear me going on and on about how i don't like hot/humid weather. and by don't like it i mean, loathe it.

they don't want to hear it. i get that. just like i don't want to hear you griping about my beloved snow and cold. you don't wanna hear it, i don't wanna hear it. we're even.

and so, before i moved down here, i promised rudy that i would never complain about the heat/humidity. i didn't say i would never comment on it.....because i will.....but i won't gripe. there's a difference between commenting and griping: the difference is, "wow, it sure is hot today" vs. "for the love of $%*@!##$*&! this is the worst flippin' weather in the history of the world and i, for one, am gonna DIE. but not before i kill somebody first."

that's griping.

i promised rudy i wouldn't do that.

and, i won't. in spite of the fact that since moving down here, everyone is scaring me half to pieces about the heat and humidity that's to come. this is what all of them are telling me:

oh, girl, just. wait.

oh, dude, you don't know the half of it. just. wait.

oh, you poor thing! you're just gonna die! DIE! just. wait.

oh, nancy.......nancy, nancy, NANCY......just. wait.


(speaking of nancy, the latest person to warn me that death by heat/humidity is imminent was my dear old school (literally) friend, nancy (flood) staley, who now lives in north carolina - and so she knows what she's talking about -  and who only this morning warned me to "just wait until august...")



all of these warnings have left me terrified. standing here in may, on the cusp of june (and july and august after that), i am shaking like a leaf.  scared of the weather and scared of the word "just." i never wanna hear the word "just" the rest of my life.



but.


i. promised.

and. i. will. keep. my. promise.

i. will. not. complain.

i. won't.




don't believe me?


just watch.

i'm not telling you how to run your monarchy

i'm not. but if i were:

• dump the matching dress and coat that fall, ugh, just below your knees.
• dump the matching hat.
• if you need help dressing like a queen, watch my 3- and 6-year old granddaughters when they're playing dress-up.
• there is not a 3- or 6-year old female child anywhere on the planet who dresses up like a queen in sensible pumps dyed the same color as the dress. (and the coat. and the hat.)
• sit on your throne a little more often. wear your crown every day.
• when i was homecoming queen, believe you me, i wore the crown.
• stop with that itty bitty hand wave. you're the queen, for heaven's sake. you oughta either a.) do "the wave," or b.) do the happy dance. a fist bump would work, too. come on.
• could you possibly, for one flippin second, smile?
• as in, smile like you mean it.
• get a glass coach.
• they can't be that expensive.
• besides.
• just put it on england's credit card.
• get the crown jewels outa the tower of london and wear them. you're the flippin' queen of england!
• better yet......give them to charlotte.
• she really doesn't want that
• silver spoon.