i don't know why, but i am having the hardest time that i have had since per left. i know the holidays probably have something to do with it, but that's not the major part of the explanation. on the other hand, maybe it is, because i don't know what the major part of the explanation is.
i have lost joy. it's that simple. i have lost joy. there isn't anything that sounds good to me. even writing has become a struggle whereas in the past, i couldn't get enough of it. not only that, but the words don't flow as easily as they used to do. i don't know what to say. except that i'm sad.
i have fallen into some bad habits - not dangerous ones, mind you - but depression is a slippery slope and who knows where my bad habits might take me if i don't snap out of it.
one of the bad habits is what i eat. with very few exceptions, since per left (january 2010) i have not cooked anything for dinner other than string pasta with a rotating 5 or 6 different sauces. i know that might not sound so bad - and it certainly could be worse - but it's not normal. it's not normal to eat spaghetti practically every single night for dinner for almost 2 years. it's just not.
i also don't sleep in my bed anymore. i sleep on the couch. i've been doing that for about 3 or 4 months now - and i don't know why. it's not that sleeping in "our" bed stirs up unpleasant feelings, because it doesn't. it truly doesn't. to tell you the truth, i wish it did stir up unpleasant feelings - because then, at least, i'd know why i'm not sleeping there! as it is, i fear that my choice to sleep on the couch is symptomatic of something deeper.......a giving up, if you will. a "so what," so to speak.
not that i am giving up. don't panic.........i'm not. i have too much faith in the Lord and what He has planned for me in the next life to do something stupid like giving up believing that the best is yet to come. i may have run out of joy, but i haven't run out of hope.
but, i'm concerned about myself. i'm starting to feel a little like miss havisham from charles dickens' novel, "great expectations." (sorry, i don't know how to underline on here.) as you might remember, miss havisham got dumped at the altar and she essentially stopped living at that moment. she never took her wedding dress off, she stopped all the clocks in the house, and she started to decay. i feel a little like that.
but i won't decay. don't panic........i won't. i have too much loathing for satan to let him destroy me.
i probably should have my Christmas tree up by now - and last year at this time, i did - but this year, i don't. i don't know why it's harder to decorate this year than last. i truly don't. it's a mystery to me why i am getting worse, not better.
i haven't even done the simplest thing - like taking down the autumn wreath or removing the pumpkins. ordinarily, they would be long gone before i return to work on the monday after thanksgiving, but it's not lookin' good for the home team at this point. i've been telling myself that the reason i still have the autumn things up and none of the Christmas stuff out is because i am starting a new tradition......i am waiting till december 1st to decorate.
but i don't believe that even myself.
i have avoided listening to Christmas music - something i usually chomp at the bit about.
my house is getting dusty. i don't care.
on the flip side, i am still doing the laundry for abby and eli and their big family. i am still going to work. i am still tending to the cats and the dog. i still get the mail and i still pay my bills. i still watch the small amount of television that i usually watch. i watched the ohio state game yesterday. i am not totally gone.
i am under a doctor's care and i have become an american.......i'm on prozac!
but i am sad in a profound way that i have never before in my life been. i guess you could say i am lucky.
and the irony of all of this is, i feel grateful to have the privilege of carrying this cross. because carrying this cross has opened my eyes and my heart and my soul to what really matters in this life - the next one.
i am eager to get to the next one.
which is why i am not going to do anything to hasten its arrival.
