two distinct times in my life when i remember waiting for the pain to come - one, when i was in labor and the second time was when i had a sore throat so severe that it made me afraid - afraid - of the next swallow.
i remember in both situations, between contractions and between swallows, thinking to myself, this is the sunny side of the street. but the cloudy side of the street is...............wait for it...............now. in a perverse way, i actually grew to dread the sunny side as much as the cloudy side.
it dawned on me, at about 8 centimeters dilated, that i had this all wrong. to be so afraid of the pain as to ruin the non-pain was nothing short of crazy. well, yes it was. it was something short of crazy. it was anti-God. it was the absolute opposite of how God wanted me to be.
but, that enlightenment didn't last long. once the labor was over and the baby was brought home and the years started to roll by, i fell back into my glass half-empty mentality. it was just so much easier to do than to be positive. there - true confession.
(i remember my mother-in-law telling me one time, she said, "nancy.........you are negative." it brought me up short, but not for long. i knew she was right.)
and so, i have tried - sometimes earnestly, sometimes not so much - to stop being that way. to look at the silver lining first and the cloud second. one time, i even developed this little rule for myself.........i was "allowed" to think of the negative side of any given situation but only if and unless i thought of an equal number of positive sides to the situation - first.
my progress has been unsteady for most of my life and - tremendous - the last 3 years.
the last 3 years, i have stared down tragedy with a deepening faith. i have looked evil in the eye and said, i forgive you. i have even looked evil in the eye and said, in spite of your evil, i see your good.
i have made tremendous progress at not being negative.
but, not enough. when boston happened, i remembered the contractions. and i remembered the sore throat.
and, true confession number two........
i'm waiting for the next one.
