the seminar presenter asked us to name off some things that would lead us to assume that two people, if we were to look at them out in public somewhere, were friends. as opposed to strangers - or even just acquaintances.
the group said things like smiling. sitting or standing relatively close together. making eye contact. leaning in (no, not sheryl sandberg's leaning in - the literal leaning in). hugging. taking a selfie!
stuff like that.
so then, what the presenter did was, he walked over to one of the seminar attendees, sat down right beside her, and leaned in. gave her a hug. looked into her eyes. smiled at her. pretended to take a picture of them together. and then he said to her......"you're my friend!"
and even though it was just an academic exercise, she scooted back. she looked wary. actually, she looked like "what the??"
the presenter then asked us what he had done wrong. "i did everything you guys told me friends do! i sat close to her. i smiled at her. i hugged her. but she backed away! what did i do wrong?"
well, said one of the attendees, you can't just do those things one time and expect to be friends. friendship takes time.
"time?" said the presenter, "take time???? where do i take the time? do i take the time over there in the corner? or do i take the time over to the woman i would like to be my friend? where do i take the time? and........where is the time.......so that i can take it? i don't even know where the time is. is it in one of you guys's purses?"
no, no, said another attendee. you don't really take time. what we mean is, being friends is something you build. it doesn't happen right away.
"something i build? like legos? where are the legos???"
the point, obviously, was to drive home for those of us who are not on the autism spectrum how confusing and hard life can be for some of the ones who are on the spectrum. that what we just take for granted can be rocket science for someone with autism.
and the bigger point, at least for me, was the reminder that it isn't just those who are on the autism spectrum who find life confusing and hard. we all find life confusing and hard. in one way or another - for one reason or another.
one of the primary skills that clinicians who work with people who are autistic try to teach their clients to do is to make eye contact. to look another person in the eye when you talk to them. sometimes, to look them in the eye even if you're not talking to them.
look them in the eye, we teach autistic children.
look me in the eye, autistic children teach us.
